Refrain from spreading bullshit health misinformation – this is a tough one for some. However, take this extra time in your fortress of solitude to reflect on the gravity of good health information. Then look at your collection of David Avocado Wolfe memes and compare the two.

You could, of course, not share any health information at all. It’s not like the 300 high school acquaintances that haven’t got around to deleting you look to you for the latest in pandemic updates. Just stick to what you’re good at Karen, minions and calling the police on ethnic youths. For more: IN FOCUS: Giving Medical Advice on Social Media.

Communicate your first world problems – sure our front line health workers need to wear far more burdensome masks all day but has anyone stopped to consider how much you don’t like wearing one for a 30 minute trip to the shops?

Or maybe your yoga class got cancelled. Don’t worry no one will think you’re an arsehole for complaining about the onerous task of having to reschedule for next week. While it’s natural to express your disappointment you should take the time out to really flesh out how a united public effort to avoid tragedy inconveniences YOU. 

Profiteer off your community – whether it be a mask on-selling business or hoarding essential supplies, a lockdown is a great opportunity to squeeze those pesky vulnerable people for a quick buck.

Ensure you explain in your sales pitch how the effort to on-sell these items at a profit is actually quite an inconvenience to you and you’ll expect your nominations for Australian of the year to be forthcoming.

Have a crack at those “extra supplies” – right now, your house is probably looking like the drop-off spot for a St Vinny food drive. You’ve got enough provisions to last 5 years so why not explore all the ways you can combine rice & baked beans into a delicious meal. After all, you need to make room for your next panic shop when your pay comes in. 

Speaking of making room, all the extra eating will put the $500 worth of toilet paper in your hallway to good use. Defecate your way to an uncluttered home and enjoy a reminder of what life was like before you lost your fuckin’ mind. 

Get to work on your onlyfans account – this has never been a better time to really crank up the homemade grease pics. People are going to be bored as all hell. Perhaps even bored enough to give you $15 a month for some pay-to-view titillation. Maybe. 

Finish off your weekend warrior projects – now is a perfect time to finish off all the half baked home reno jobs that you were so passionate about 3 months ago. Your place will look better and perhaps the wife will make eye contact with you again when you talk. 

If you must go to Bunnings be warned that due to social distancing there could be a fair line of people waiting to shop. This will make for a truly horrific peanut gallery while you try to load your car like a total pelican. 

Get around to some life admin  – if you don’t have any home reno jobs to finish then you should turn your mind to do all those little things that you’d been putting off – change the water in your bong, give your bedsheets their once a year clean and clean the thick layer of party scum off your outdoor table. 

It’s time to break free from that filth cocoon and emerge as a beautiful neighbourhood butterfly. Stop bringing down the value of your street for once in your life. 

Most importantly under no circumstances take this lockdown to turn into a tin foil freak: Mr Coronavirus Conspiracy Theory. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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