Man who drives an American car, eats American food and watches American TV won’t have a bar of “American” Halloween

Man who drives an American car, eats American food, and watches American TV won’t have a bar of “American” Halloween

Phil has staunchly told anyone who will listen this week that he has no intention of entertaining “American crap” like Halloween.

This is of course in stark contrast to other aspects of his life. Such as driving a Ford Ranger, having a freakish addiction to fast food burger chains, and the solid 3 hours of Netflix he watches a day.

Playing the devil’s advocate, we asked Phil if he saw any contradiction in this. He finished sticking up a sign saying trick-or-treaters will be skulldragged and told The Times,

“Yeah, nah, we don’t celebrate Halloween! We’ve always had Fords, eaten burgers, and watched TV so fark off, get the fark off my lawn! I hate AMERICAN SHIT”

To try and calm Phil down we put it to him that he could celebrate Halloween guilt-free because of its Celtic origins. He exploded into a white-hot rage,

“IT’S AMERICANISED!!! I don’t even know what a Celtic is and I don’t care pal! If you or your stupid fkn kids knock on my door there is going to be hell to pay!”

Sensing we had hit a nerve, we decided to step it up a notch. I asked Phil what he thought about the blatant Americanisation of the Christmas tradition. Even reminding him he once dressed as Coca Cola’s influence on Santa.

Needless to say, we decided to exit Phil’s property rather quickly after his brief reflection on the hypocrisy of his attitude caused him to blow a head gasket.

After the encounter, one had to ponder what is it about an Americanised Halloween that made some Australians so angry? The same people who will tell a little child dressed as a ghost to fark off will line up at a pop-up for In-n-Out Burger for 2 hours.

If you’re going to hate America then do it properly. Lord knows they deserve it so be consistent.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?