“Kelly Slater is 50, mate, and you think I couldn’t dominate the field? Give me a break”, Jai said while noticeably sucking in his 5-pint-a-day beer gut.
Jai gestures at a crowd of girls to “watch this” as he shanks yet another attempt to sink the 8 at Caves House. It’s not surprising he missed as it’s hard to line up a pocket properly while you’re tensing your tricep so furiously. He continued,
“Only reason I’m not out there this weekend is I can’t do me shoulder again, mate – and trust me the way I charge barrels I’d pop that sucker right out”
It’s hard not to take Jai seriously, after all, would a kook bring their surfboard to the pub with no signs he’s gone near the water today? We think not.
Jai has been coming to the Margaret River Pro for over a decade and considers himself somewhat of a down-southonality in the region.
He’s even purchased a brand-spankin’ pair of boardies for the occasion. Telling The Times,
“You get a lot of young Brazilian blokes thinking they’re hot shit out there but they haven’t grown up at this break like me. I’d rip 12ft lefties for brekkie mate. Someone’s gotta be on the shore holding these young bucks accountable”
By accountable, Jai means to be mercilessly scrutinised by himself while he watches them practice in the gnarly south west swell; and by “grown up at this break” he means a solid 280km away in the suburb of Scabs.
Reports have surfaced that Jai went on somewhat of an ego rampage last night after getting hammered at the pub. A witness told The Times,
“He was challenging all the local surfers to take a run at him. Kept rabbiting on about being able to hold his breath for 3 minutes. Then he jumped up on a bar table to show off his stance. Said he was his generation’s pioneering goofy rider”
Another witness who rejected his persistent advances told The Times,
“He kept referring to Kelly Slater as Kelly, like he knew him. Then said I could call him Mr Zog if I needed him to give my arse a wax. He was pretty gross but I think I just felt sad for him, isn’t he like 40?”
“36” Jai angrily barked from the across bar, “I’m 36 and just admit you could never handle a real surfer anyway princess, go back to trying to impress those amateurs on the tour”
After successfully wearing out his welcome for the 2nd day straight, Jai loudly announced that he was going to go warm up to try and snag a wildcard entry.
We understand he returned to his camper van to wax his 6”2 porkboard before getting ready for another night of shaming himself.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
