Mining Exec Reckons Brand Spankin’ Akubra Will Win Over Workers Ahead of Redundancies

Despite the highly paid mining exec travelling to the Pilbara location to announce redundancies and the fact most of the workers are Perth-raised city slickers, Jerome* reckons his new $200 Akubra will win him favour on-site. 

Jerome*, who didn’t want to give his real name to the anti-mandate lunatics, told The Bell Tower Times,

“I just had my High Visibility garment dry cleaned and my steel-capped Blundstone boots pressure tested and I’m almost ready to go. Then my housewife says told me an Akubra would look ridgy didge with the RM William chinos I’m trying to pull off”

Jerome agreed and rang “some intern, work experience kid, or whatever” at 5:30 pm on a Tuesday night and told them that if a brand-spankin’ Akubra wasn’t on his hot desk by 8:30 he’d better start looking in the oil & gas industry. 

A project engineer in the St Georges Terrace office told The Times,

“He was strutting around like Jake Gyllenhaal but honestly the only person getting bent over and rammed after a finger spit was me who had to make his bullshit projections look good. You could say it was the straw that broke my back. Guy looked like a fkn idiot”

Nevertheless, Jerome* was excited to discuss with other people at the airport how his “real man”, “salt of the earth”, “ocker” image would no doubt help the FIFO personnel deal with the impending news of their redundancy.

Jerome* told us,

“You see this hat and you think, that’s the kinda corporate jackaroo that can tame my industrial relations concerns. That’s a caring executive that can meet me on my level and deliver me the kind of news that you just have to say, it is what it is”

Naturally, the staff destined for a bit of a forced holiday take a contrary view. Simon aka Spyda told us,

“If I hear one more bit of bullshit from a Twiggy wannabacunt I’m skitz out bro. These pricks wouldn’t have been north if it wasn’t from El Questro Resort. You don’t speak for me you mutt. Only two people wear Akubras, jackaroos and cun…”

After putting this to Jerome* he simply tipped his hat and started to rave about how bloody lovely El Questro is this time of year. 

Something tells us the hat isn’t going to do the trick, bud. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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