When we spoke to Kaynen he was leaning back on his chair, cracking his knuckles, and saying he had his Bumble date wrapped around his little finger. How was he so sure? Well, he’d just regaled her with a story about how he vomited into a pint glass only to go undetected by pub security. Checkmate, females.
The man himself leaned forward while going to sip his double Jacks & Coke when the told The Times,
“Girls love a man who lives every day like it was someone else’s last. A man who can say, fark it, I’m getting lit at 6 am and there’s not a thing society can do about it. A man who don’t fear no Magistrate”
According to bartenders however, the feeling didn’t seem reciprocated. With the date in question approaching the bar several times to brutally mock the suitor while she ordered a drink. He told The Times,
“Yeah, every time this meathead told a story about how pissed he was on UFC Day, she’d come up and share it with the bar staff. Why would someone tell their date that they copped a $150 charge from Uber for pissing themselves in the car?”
Determined to get to the bottom of this, we chatted to the date while she was “powdering her nose” which was code for texting her mates for what a massive loser her date turned out to be. She told The Times,
“OMG this guy. I had to listen to him talk about how he’d beat that Islam bloke via stand & bang tactics for 25 mins. He said no one could make him submit. Then he dribbled a bunch of Jacks down his chin and asked me if I was into submitting. LMAO”
It should be known that at the time of writing this article, the man in question has had only 3 hours sleep in the past 4 days. Please get some rest, son.