Hyde Park Locals To Enjoy Busy Day Of Ruthlessly Guarding Their Verges

 Public holidays are always a special time for residents living adjacent to Perth’s Hyde Park. It’s a time to gather the family and assert their dominance over any johnny-come-lately arsehole who thinks they can park up on their verge. 

Parking around Hyde Park has been a never-ending shit-buffet for decades and locals have developed a near maniacal eye twitch when they see Hyde Park filling up with picnic-seeking scum who greatly overestimate the ease of getting a good spot. 

A resident on Glendower St believes the aggressive sign he puts on his verge during long weekends isn’t quite enough to deter opportunists. Telling The Times,

“These people. Lord knows how they were raised. They’ll try to park right over your sign even with me standing on my porch making full eye contact with them. That’s when I snap”

The anonymous resident was getting more and more worked up as he described the stress of standing guard over his verge all day threatening to have people’s cars towed if they want to test him. 

The local Ranger service has admitted that they had to supply their personnel with an extra mobile phone each on the day to accommodate the non-stop calls to deal out some sweet ticketed justice to rogues. 

Station wagoner and all-round swash-bucklin’ parking pirate, John says he can shove his verge sign up his arse, 

“You think I want to spend my day at my sister-in-law’s stupid birthday? I’m missing the footy and her husband always brings this disgusting potato salad with kale & faux bacon, tastes like shit. I’m not going to make my life worse by spending an hour looking for a park around North Perth”

Hyde Park locals describe John as “the worst type of person” and someone who should be institutionalised for the safety of North Perth ratepayers. 

Another ratepayer, speaking under the promise of anonymity told The Times,

“It’s bad enough I have to fend off the disciples of the church of CHU every weekend! Maybe I should start charging like Claremont residents during the Royal Show”

Needless to say, Hyde Park locals are keenly awaiting the evening rain to finally signal an end to their guard duties. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?