Derron developed a love for Muay Thai after spending countless hours filming himself belting his boxing bag when he couldn’t sleep after many hefty nights on the gear.
Already considering himself a weapon of Muay Thaistruction, he decided to sign up for a lesson. Just to see how much more he knew about the craft than a trained professional.
It wasn’t long until he was booted from the class after making a 16 year old piss blood during a sparring session. Just as Derron thought – no one in Perth can handle him. He knows he is ready to up his game and books a month-long training camp in Phuket.
Word of warning to all Thais – treat him like a cyclist with a GoPro and stay 1m from him at all times because once he puts on his Red Bull shorts he can strike with all the fury of a 3-month beginners course at his local gym.
Unlike the other Monster-capped drongos in his class, he actually immerses himself in Thai culture and arrives 2 weeks early so he can get some traditional Thai Sak Yant tattoos and become acustomed to endings happier than a Disney box set. He looks ridiculous.
While everyone waits for the first class to start, Derron storms in and starts smashing bags like a Wall Street baller. His technique is so fuckin’ amateur it should be casted on a black couch.
A couple of Thai instructors watch on in disgust as Derron appears to be running his own lesson over TikTok on how to be a madkent just like him. Filming every second of his sub par technique.
After several sessions of ignoring the Thai instructors, Derron is flailing around with all the grace of a pisshead tackling the business end of a double sauced kebab.
Of course, Derron mistakes the outright laughter from his instructors as a sign of respect. They are so fearful of his abilities they are reduced to a nervous giggle.
Move over humidity, this is who is making all the girls wet. He decides to leverage his top dog status and asks a girl out on a “protein date”.
The date is a total success, being from Rockingham she loves his stories about who he reckons he could smash and frothed on the way he berated the Thai waitress for not understanding his order of “300 grams of lean protein”.
Derron senses a connection and he knows if he can just impress her the next day he won’t have to hit up the massage parlour for the 24th night in a row. He spots his opportunity when he sees her standing near some bamboo.
He gathers a crowd and in anticipation for his shins of steel display decides to speak mighty words of inspiration, “this is what hard work and training gets you”. The Thai instructors can’t wait for this. He starts grunting like a toey Bison and works himself up to kick the shit out of the bamboo.
BOOM. He shins himself good and proper and starts writhing around in pain. He floated like a turd and stung like the humiliation of an entire training camp laughing at him.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?