Some view their coworkers as friends, others as colleagues but gossiping saddos view them as playthings in a sick soap opera that they fuel to take the attention off their many failings.

No detail about a coworker’s life is off limits as they fiend for their next hit of sweet office drama. If you think you’re safe, then think again.

These bingo-winged haters are as skilled at extracting secrets as a CIA interrogator working out of the Mount Franklin factory. If you’ve ever told anyone anything, it will end up on the gossip menu of the day.

Typically, gossip is done due to their crippling boredom void in their lives. So it’s all pretty inane stuff – your relationship status, hobbies and your ability to maintain an erection. Nothing too crazy.

However, true gossiping oxygen thieves need more than just making you feel seen. They thrive on weaponising the gossip to mess with your reputation.

These walking Marilyn Monroe memes know that instead of bettering themselves it’s far easier to drag others down by telling everyone who will listen about how you always come back from lunch smelling like pints.

Or perhaps you goofed? We’re only human. Except for gossipers, they will make sure every single person in the office knows that you made a meal of something. Like an anti-vaxxer, they ain’t happy until it spreads.

Even worse, they just start making shit up to fuel their desires. This is especially the case when they notice two coworkers who have managed to break free of the bonds of office superficiality and seem to like each other.

Once they notice a tiny drop of human affection in their loser ocean they will be sent into a frenzy – telling everyone that you and the new accounts dude are having a saucy affair. They will not be satisfied until this news filters through to your actual partner.

So watch out for these cankled stickybeaks because they are immune from any return fire. Your life needs to have some substance if you are going to be gossiped about.