It was meant to be the seachange of a lifetime. After acquiring a property in Hami Hill to raise his family, Ben was full of optimism and hope. However, there’s one aspect of SOR life he didn’t realise would hit him so hard.
See, Ben was born & bred in Floreat and spent more sunny days than he can remember on City Beach. He’d get a tattoo of City Beach groyne across his face if he could. He loves it in a way that transcends the mere mortal understanding of connection.
Alas, he is now a 30-minute drive from City Beach and about 6 minutes to South Beach. He kept telling himself he’d be a fool to not make the most of the local beach. After all, it’s right there. If only it was so simple.
As the temperature heated up, Ben decided to test out his new beach. A lovely mid-morning walk on a 25-degree day. Ain’t nothing wrong with that. Except there was. As soon as his feet touched the South Beach sand he was filled with guilt.
Was he cheating on his beloved? Why does South Beach smell funny? What’s that dude doing in that dark-tinted van over there? It was a sensory overload and left Ben feeling dirty, ashamed, and alone.
These feelings were compounded by his SOR partner who couldn’t wait to hear what Ben thought of her “favourite beach in the world”. He broke down. A witness at the Cafe told The Times,
“He was a wreck. He tried to keep it together but ended up just ranting about it being trash and how even the water pissed him off. Said he didn’t know if he could continue living a lie”
This led to a full-blown fight with his partner screaming at Ben. Going as far as to say that SOR beaches are supreme and she has fond memories of Rockingham growing up and he’d better believe they are going there over the summer. It was a step too far. Ben told The Times,
“Rocking fkn what? I couldn’t believe my ears. I told NOR beach shit all over SOR beaches and I’d never step foot on the filthy sand of the south again. I think we are getting couple’s counselling but I can’t see a way out of this”
As a temporary workaround, Ben has vowed to make the 30-minute commute to beloved beach and live a separate beach life to his wife & kids. He likened it to couples who sleep in separate beds, adding,
“Kids ruin the beach. Everyone knows that. I’d rather splash around with all the old man cocks at Swanbourne than destroy my experience at Coogee. They actively encourage children with a pontoon. How fkn wrong is that?”
With the rising cost of petrol, it remains to be seen whether Ben can maintain his NOR beach lifestyle. His will is strong but his fuel tank is thirsty. Good luck Ben. These are the things they don’t tell you about switching sides.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?