1. Enjoy the thrill of a replacement bus
The quintessential activity in Gozzywood right now is enjoying the whirlwind of excitement that comes with catching a replacement bus due to the closure of the Armadale Line.
The average Gosnells commuter spends approximately 15 hours on replacement buses every day and has formed a warm, tense community. Will you find love? Will you get rolled? Who knows.
2. Tick the Valley of the Giants off your bucket list
Sure you could drive several hours south like a dumbarse or you can visit Gozzy’s own Valley of the Giants. No matter who you ask, they’ll unanimously agree that the experience is just as good if not better.
From your towering vantage point have a gander into the local bushland to see if you can find yourself a little bit of a prize like a Gatorade bottle with some handy little alterations to get even higher than you are on the tree-top walk.
3. Become CCTV famous on the biggest stage in Gozzy
Gozzies has a beautiful amphitheatre (shove it up your arris Ellenbrook) that is well known for rocking the house down at Xmas but did you know it could also be your chance to become CCTV famous?
Yep, it’s a heavily surveilled area so put on a performance in the most Gozzy way you can think of. Hey, maybe the UFC will watch the security footage and finally give you that contract you’ve thought about for a decade while shadowboxing in your Gozzy shed on day 4 of your bender.
4. Go potholin’ at Ashburton Shops
Gozzy has plenty of great places to test your suspension but Ashburton Shops is a real standout. Legend has it toey mums sometimes swing past after dropping their kids off at school to enjoy the rocky road of pleasure.
Please don’t play a solo on the pork recorder though. If you want to do that head round to the back of Foot Hills shops and knock one out while gazing at the mighty Gozzies traino. Like a normal person.
5. Urban farm stay
In Perth kilometres, Gosnells really isn’t that far from the CBD. Does that mean it doesn’t get surprisingly rural surprisingly quickly? Shit no. So take advantage of the quaint rural setting and enjoy a farm stay.
Now this isn’t Clarkson’s Farm. There probably won’t be any charming yet simple farmhands to welcome you. Judging by some of the signs on the properties you may have to fend off several angry dogs before reaching your accommodation. Visitors aren’t exactly “welcome” in Gozzies.
6. Enjoy a Cargeeg Bridge stand-off
Cargeeg Bridge is truly a hidden gem of Gozzies and one of few single-lane bridges in the Perth metro area. Now, this is regarded as an extreme sport, so don’t undertake a Cargeeg Bridge stand-off lightly.
The average temper of a motorist in Gozzy is somewhere between irate and explosive at all times. So if you’re not up for it, perhaps just use the convenient bays to wait in while another driver crosses first.
7. Enjoy the road rage trifecta of Corfield, Tonkin, and Albany Highway
Speaking of road rage, Gosnells is situated between some truly heinous arterial roads. It’s an all-you-can-rage buffet with generous servings on the big 3 roads.
As with Cargeeg Bridge, this isn’t for the faint of heart so choose your own adventure. If you’re a novice maybe try midday when things are comparatively calmer. For seasoned campaigners, it has to be peak hour. Note these times won’t affect your experience on Tonkin which transcends human notions of time when it comes to fuckery.
8. Feel a bit Hollywood
Gosnells might not catch the eye of your average Perth resident but it sure did catch the eye of Hollywood. At the start of last year, it was announced that Gozzy would be the set for a Hollywood film and thus Gozzywood was born.
So why not walk in the footsteps of all the other Hollywood elites who choose to holiday in Gozzies in between movies? Who knows who you might spot? They say Chris Hemsworth often enjoys a bevvie at the Southern Road Tavern.
9. Old mate pub crawl
Speaking of the pub scene, you simply won’t find a better circuit if old matery is your thing. Gosnells Hotel, Corfield Tav, Southern River Tav, and the Bowlo are all hotbeds of old mate activity and they’re calling out to you. Just don’t sit on another bloke’s barstool.
Admittedly, the distance you’ll need to traverse makes this pub crawl a little more challenging. It will also see you rolling the dice as you walk up Albany or Corfield depending on your route. So stay on high alert for Thornlie and Kelmscott blow-ins at all times. Surely no one in Gozzies is causing the trouble.
10. Level up your foodie game
These days the most important thing for a budding food influencer is to stand out from the crowd. This is where Gozzies comes in. Anyone with an iPhone would be a little skeptical of going that far SOR but the rewards are worth it.
Check out The Gosnells Railway Market for some tucker and get some unique content. Maybe even a veggie haul.
11. You’ve got the power to pay your respects to Perth’s shitty grid
Make sure you cruise past the mighty Gosnells substation and pay your respects to an integral piece of the infrastructure that allows us pisspoor grid to do what it does best – fail. It’s a true honour to be in the presence of Western Power greatness.
12. Museum
Nothing like getting a little bit of culture into you at the Gosnells Museum. There’s plenty to gawk at including many fantabulous machines from the past. Alas, what if you can’t get there for their very limited opening hours?
Not to worry, because many front yards in the suburb of Gosnells have their own ancient machines in various states of repair. Gosnells essentially is a giant automotive museum and you’ll see everything from old Holdens to old Forwards and even an old Patrol. The possibilities are endless.
13. BMX banditry
If you’ve ticked everything else off the list then you may as well spend a day in the life of a real Gozzie’s resident and cruise the streets aimlessly on an eScooter or BMX looking for opportunities.
