So, you think you’re going to be crowned the UFC Perth “meet me outside Perth Arena” champion do ya? Well better start preparing. It’s only a few days away.
Size up your competition – any champion studies his opponents. So how do you know who they might be? Well, take the guesswork out of it and spend a night at your local Police lockup. You’re almost guaranteed to run into your fiercest competition on the weekend.
You’ll also get some extra info at the Magistrates Court the next morning. Anyone can listen to a locked-up blowhard tell you “what they done” but hearing it from the police prosecutor and Magistrate firsthand adds a level of authenticity. Know who you are dealing with!
Train the most important muscles in your body – look you’re a finely tuned machine. We know this. The world knows this. Your submission game is only outmatched by your KO record (helps when they aren’t looking, isn’t it big slugger?) So what’s next? Train your tongue muscles of course.
Provocation is the aim of the game and you’re not going to get anywhere with tired old staunching phrases that may have worked for you in the past. Get inventive. Learn a few words over 2 syllables and speak the language of arena-scuffle-love.
Take a little journey to find yourself – you know for a fact there is probably still some ambient radiation floating out around Newman where that capsule is found. Now you won’t get the dose you truly want to evolve into the hulk but every little helps!
If you find there isn’t enough of the mutating stuff around you can always follow the next truck out of the Rio site. You could get lucky right?
Balance is everything – you are going to get yourself all worked up while watching the so-called “real fighters”. Now, it’s all well and good to yell staunch-nothings at crowd members and push them but what if you lose a single drop of your premix bourbon & coke you paid so much for? The horror.
Do yourself a favour and take a can with you for your next few sessions in your baby mum’s duplex garage. When one can master the shadowbox without spilling a single drop of fight juice, he is ready.
Put your skills to the test – society has posed this question for centuries, who will win? One dude in Tap Out shorts or 25 angry eshays at Whitfields Hungry Jacks? Well, can you really throw yourself into the bitumen ring this weekend if you can’t answer this?
Take a trip NOR in a brand-spankin’ pair of red shoes. The rest will write itself. Obviously, the smart money is on you but you never know when a wild trolley pole might appear – in this example, the trolley pole is a metaphor for a more skilled opponent.
Break your addiction to sleep – do you think you’ll be competing on the weekend in a non sleep deprived state? Forgetaboutit. You’ll almost certainly be kicking on from the night before. So why not extend that a little bit? You know you want to.
Sleep is for the week and you won’t need a single minute between now and your title match. Do what you do best and start playing a tune in the see-through kazoo immediately.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?