IN FOCUS: The Existential Hell of Uni Group Assignments

In a cruel twist of fate, uni group assignments are probably the most hands-on training you’ll ever get for the real world. See, employment is essentially a macabre circus where you’ll be forced to perform with a motley crew of clowns & freaks, whether you like it or not. Spoiler alert: you won’t.

Even if you manage to score a few mates in your uni group you’ll inevitably cop a big scoop from the bedpan of social afterbirth. Like walking tumours, they are made up entirely of human cells that no longer serve a useful purpose, except to ruin your life.

Straight off the bat, you’ll probably get stuck with an academic stowaway. This specimen is probably just enrolled to get their parents off their back. They have no investment in learning and will coast along on all your hard work.

Like a dehydrated money-shot, their contribution is minimal and unimpressive. A classic breakdown in tertiary socialism – happy to take a share of the bountiful credit but unwilling to toil in the fields of effort.

If you’re lucky, your course coordinator will respond well to your snitching and you’ll be able to throw the parasite under the bus at the final hurdle.

They may get a lower mark which reflects their input but they’ll probably still cop a free ride.

At this stage, you may be alarmed at how much pleasure you are taking from thinking about their untimely demise. How did some vacuous airhead awaken such a rabid beast inside of you?

Once that cat is out of the bag there is no turning back. Something you will need to come to peace with when you contemplate pushing a future coworker down a flight of stairs because they chew with their mouth open every day.

If you’re really unlucky, you’ll get stuck with a mature aged student who can’t seem to stop commandeering every meeting and ramming their life experience down your throat.

It’s a mystery why they are even enrolled seeing as they are already the Dean of the University of Life.

On the plus side, their psychotic dedication to a minor assignment only worth 15% will probably earn you an HD.

On the flip side, you’ll have prematurely aged several years and lost a tiny piece of your soul.

Alas, that is life. Just push your experiences in uni group assignments deep down in your hurt locker. It’ll be a therapist job to untangle that mess many years later.

For more on uni pests: Mr Mature Aged Student.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?