Christian has been absolutely brought to his knees after gazing on the comparative brilliance of a man-made “beach” on the South Perth foreshore this afternoon.
His Perth born chaperone told The Times that Christian was momentarily speechless before demanding they go home and get their beach lot for a day of fun in the sun. This hurt his WA mate in ways one can never fully explain. Christian’s mate told The Times,
“He kept saying what a beaut it was and how he thought people were exaggerating when they talked about Perth beaches being elite. I didn’t have the heart to tell him what he was looking at. Who am I to rob the man of joy?”
Against his mate’s gentle deterrence, Christian returned to the spot to build a scum-castle and conduct a photoshoot to send his Melbourne friends insane with jealousy. He told The Times,
“I didn’t even get stuck by a needle. What a day! I’m even slightly less itchy as I would be after swimming in the Bay. You guys sure are spoiled. You ever seen St Kilda Beach? It’s putrid”
In Christian’s defence, the spot on the Swan River has far less fecal matter and flesh eating bacteria than his usual Melbourne haunts. Which is quite a feat given the abundance of duck shit in the area.
So far his beach content has racked up thousands of views on TikTok and even more likes on IG.
However, it’s not just Christian, all of Melbourne is talking about the Sir James Mitchell Park Beach and it’s already dominating the listicle scene as a “top 3 beach to see in your lifetime of you grew up with Melbourne beaches”.
FURTHER READING: A Guide to Beach Etiquette
Judging by his reaction to Sir James Mitchell his WA contacts are having second thoughts about taking him to City Beach. His mate explained,
“Firstly he doesn’t deserve it after today’s effort but secondly we think he might blow a head gasket. It’s sad really, how deprived he is”
See why a similar beach in Como made the hottest spots to influence HERE.
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