Mr & Mrs “Wander Out Yonder”

School holidays are when WA’s Northern towns become more popular than the fat guy in an Andes plane wreck survival party. Hordes of Godless savages keen to maximise their buck have blown in with the sort of fury that puts cyclone season to shame. 

Dex & Monara decide to take their 3 teenage loinabilities on a trip to Exmouth. Daylen, Thairon & Dniece are the kind of kids that would make Epstein desert his island. Discipline always played second fiddle to the amusement Monara got from watching them disgust society. 

Thanks to Thairon’s little helpers, Dex reckons he can drive to Exmouth in a single 13-hour blaze of glory. However, much like a developing nation’s power grid, he’s wired but extremely volatile. Which becomes evident in the family’s first stop at a roadhouse to feed the kids. To put it politely, he isn’t a fan of the markup on the items. 

After 5 minutes of accusing the roadhouse staff of trying to rip him off, Dex decides to prove his point a different way. He stands at the counter staunching the staff with his glare as he forces himself through every bite of the $7 pie he bought, “I’d better enjoy every farken bite”. It’s not easy to menace a small business when you’ve got the appetite of a vegan at an abattoir. 

They get back in the car and the kids are buzzing after their 1.5L of coke each, “they thought yous was gonna crack em dad!!” Dex cracks a grin, “sure did, son, pack of dogs”. He basks in warm satisfaction as he proceeds to the holiday park. 

They get to their modest accommodation and Monara starts making a list of the aspects of their self contained apartment that doesn’t measure up to the 4 star luxury they are used to in Seminyak. For now, she needs her rest, it’ll be a big day of demanding a refund tomorrow. 

Day breaks and Monara heads to the main office to air her grievances while Dex takes the kids to the pool. Having been reared by Dex, the kids understand that rules are for softcocks and do their best to ruin everyone else’s enjoyment of the pool. 

Things reach a surreal climax when young Daylen stands on the side of the pool and takes a slash directly into the water. Several guests react angrily as Dex is laughing like a howler monkey on shrooms, “great piss boy!” He then threatens to “sort” anyone out who has a problem, “calm ya saggy bags ya old ducks, the pool got chlorine, dont it?”

As Dex stands over a few 75-year-old grey nomads he hears the unmistakable shriek of his beloved banshee princess. He storms across the park like a tradie battling the digestive horrors of a 4th Dare Iced Coffee for the morning. 

He walks in to find that “too many flies”, “fark all phone coverage” and “not being as good as Bali” aren’t a valid reason for a full refund and a free upgrade to the best accommodation. Alas, these aren’t the type of hosts to bend at the knee and call them boss. It’s a stalemate – Monara is forced to threaten a Tripadvisor review. 

They can’t believe their usual malarky hasn’t worked. So they set about on a mission to inconvenience the park in every way they can. Late-night drinking sessions, clogging toilets, and on departure dumping more trash than a best of Jerry Springer box set. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?