What your thickness of Vegemite spread says about you

There are few things more personal than an Aussie’s butter to Vegemite ratio. Accordingly, one’s spread can reveal a lot about oneself. Let’s have a look shall we?

1. The why bother spread

Jesus. What can be said about you that hasn’t already been said about an unenthusiastic wristy in a Cannington duplex as a reward for convincing someone to spend 10 years of their life with you?

You’re a walking participation trophy who really needs to accept that you probably don’t like Vegemite very much. You like butter with enough salt to make it taste like it was sprayed with Aquaman’s sea cucumber. Grow up.

2. The weak spread

You’re like the annoying admin lady at the end of year work bash. You’ve technically come to the party but no one really wants to acknowledge your presence. Much less get into an actual conversation with you.

Furthermore, your crippling commitment issues are holding you back. It’s the spread of the person who was a day late and a dollar short. Will never know the true potential of what was in front of them the whole time. Live a little, man.

3. The play it safe spread

You’re like Cuntilocks and the 3 Bears. Thinking you’ve got it all sussed out. The perfect balance to your safe life. You’ve had a puff but you’ve never inhaled. Done a bump but never a line. You’ve never felt the full rush.

Sure, you’ll avoid looks of obvious disgust but you won’t get any nods of respect either. No doubt you also go for regular hot at Nandos. It doesn’t sepearate you from the lemon & herbers as far as you’d think.

4. The you think you’re hard spread

Oh look who we got here. You’ve lifted a few weights, done 10 classes of boxercise and think you’re hard, do you? You ain’t shit, boy.

You want to run with the big dogs but you haven’t learned to piss hard. Of course, that won’t stop your uncalled for bravado on dating apps though. Cool your jets turbo, there’s always a bigger fish in the Vege-pond.

5. The seasoned old mate spread

Here we go. You’re deffinetly on a watchlist of some kind. You’d never be considered for baby sitting but a sure choice to stand on the door at your dero cousin’s 21st.

You’ve never drunk a glass of water in your life and never had a formal ownership arrangement with a dog. They just kind of follow you around as you staunch your way through life.

6. The menace to society spread

Oh boy, one too many white ox’s in Hotel Hakea and now you don’t have any tastebuds left. That or after years of salting your grub up the wazoo it’s the only way you can taste things anymore.

Despite your colourful past you are a higher being. An Aussie angel. One that has ascended to the ranks of Vegeboss. You don’t understand why everyone says a jar of Vegemite will last you ages. You’re going through one a week, you beautiful animal.

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Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?