In 2019, Bonds drove a dagger through its own abomination by declaring the Bonds Baby Search would no longer involve a “voting element”. By taking the competitive bicarb out of the crack, the competition became less addictive and the baby search fiends weren’t getting the same hit they once did from the infant-orientated horrorshow.

See, in the hay day, thousands of full-time mummies enter their bubs into this infantile “hot or not” competition in the hope they will be able to live off their winning baby’s modelling money.

For other mummies it’s a way to rekindle their love of forcing baby photos on uninterested FB contacts, just imagine the pure exhilaration of forcing an entire NATION of uninterested people to look at your drooling crotch potato.

One such story is Shavaughn. Shavaughn welcomed young Tee’Ara into the world after a genetic basting from the Chase the Ace winner in the Swinging Pig car park in 2015. Having been the 4th runner up in a Ms Motorvation competition some years earlier, Shavaughn had every intention of living vicariously through Tee’Ara’s baby modelling career.

As luck would have it, Bonds Baby Search offered her a chance to force Tee’Ara to live out her dream but also indulge her other pleasure in life – online harassment, bullying and drama seeking.

One cannot put into words how much pleasure Shavaughn received from bombarding acquaintances with demands to vote for her baby. After all, she’d traded 2 cartons of UDLs for some “professional” shots on the Perth Beer economy. It took hours to get the accumulation of baby food and assorted-shit smeared across the kids face juuuust right.

She never won anything in the 3 years she participated but lucky for her there was always a consolation prize – ripping the living hell out of the winning babies appearances. It may not seem normal to call a 2-year-old an ugly piece of shit but high on Bonds Baby Search it is. This was her favourite part of the whole circus.

So you can imagine her disgust at the removal of the voting element. Suddenly, the “winning” bubs were just picked at random. What was the point of it all now? She was only ever doing this to prove the fruits of her genetic-lady vines were the ripest.

So in 2019, she and many other overly intense banshees abandoned the competition. She refused to live in a world where the crowning of Tee’Ara wasn’t unequivocal proof that her baby wasn’t the hottest baby in Australia.

In the 3 years after leaving the baby search circuit, Shavaughn found her salvation in forcing her bubba into actual modelling work. She found that bullying other mothers at photoshoots & casting gigs gave her the same rush she once felt before.

She also had the opportunity to call 5-year-old children fugly-skanks when they were cast above her unenthusiastic daughter. Sure, there was no national recognition to strive for but she figured she was giving Tee’Ara a leg up into the exciting world of spruiking skinny tea on social media. She was investing in her own future of sponging off her child’s TikTok fame.

As for Shavaughn herself, well she filled the void in her life by getting balls-deep into essential oil pyramid schemes. She found that when it came to harassing FB contacts, the subject matter really didn’t matter. Be it vote for her child or buy some oils she believes cures COVID-19.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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