Woolworths proudly introduces self serve up-skirt cams to protect shareholders’ interests

Woolworths still leads the way in intrusive camera technology as it unveils its latest weapon in the fight against shoplifting – an “up-skirt cam” that can ensure women aren’t using their flowing dresses to conceal items.

A spokesperson for Woolworths said the cameras would record what’s in the undercarriage of each customer but only retain the footage for a period of 10 years. During this period, they retain full rights to use said footage in advertising or educational material. Adding,

“If customers don’t want to appear on naughty websites then they should reconsider their need to try and pilfer essential items they can’t afford. We promise not to pass on any material of law-abiding citizens who comply with the directives of Woolworth corp”

Critics of the cameras say they are a clear breach of privacy and are almost definitely illegal under existing laws.

However, authorities have made it clear that every big retailer has the right to protect its profit. At any cost. A spokesperson for The Office of the Australian Information Commissioner told The Times,

“We queried whether Woolworths had gone too far but they told us that once you enter one of their stores you submit to the full authority of Woolworths Corp and surrender all rights, dignity, and permissions usually afforded to you by the law. They were very convincing”

You’d think such an intrusive measure to safeguard shareholder dividends would be welcomed unanimously. However, there is a growing faction of shareholders who say the new cameras don’t go far enough.

We spoke to a large shareholder who told The Times,

“How are we going to stop blokes putting stuff down their trousers? If my yearly payout gets smaller while some piece of shit is smuggling out $100s worth of meat in his prison wallet then heads will roll!”

It’s a fair point. Why should those rolling in easy money be dragged down by those desperate enough to eat food that has been lodged up their arris for the duration of their shop? Woolworths responded today,

“We are seeking permission to bring in those X-Ray scanners you see at airports. Apparently, we don’t have the authority to strip-search every customer who comes in so the X-ray machine will have to do. Our lawyers are currently challenging the decision of WA Police in regards to that strip search advice though”

In the meantime, all staff are instructed to take a mental note of the size of each male customer’s bulge at the start of their shop and then again at the end. To ensure nothing has been stashed down the front of the pants.

Well, there you have it. Big changes coming to your next shop! Please remember that Woolworths Corp cares and you’d probably want to remember to wear undies next time you go shopping.

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