The former red light district of Perth is doing all it can to scrub its former image from our memories. Alas, real ones never forget. Once a great spot for a laneway wristy, the only thing rogerin’ you now in Highgate is the property market.
1. Marvel at the great fart tower
What is that mighty obelisk with all those cop cars parked next to it you may ask? What are they guarding? Well, a mighty fart tower of course. Technically a “ventilation stack” was designed to ventilate the sewer but hilariously only blanketed the region in a pungent cloud of stank.
Now it just stands as a testament to man’s hubris to think you can build a 38m art deco vent that could handle the filth of Highgate. Pure folly. Can’t find it? Just listen for the nearby church to play the bell-song of its people every 45 minutes.
2. Ponder the meaning of “coming soon”
A new player entered the pub market a coupla years ago. Looking to offer punters a more salt-of-the-earth experience than the wankier bars on the strip. Alas, it never really took off, and after it closed down a bold promise was made. A brewery was “coming soon”.
Well, “soon” is of course a relative term and one you can ponder as you see the empty space lay dormant for what most people would call “a while”. Nevertheless, good venues are rising and falling in Highgate all the time so we can only hope a mighty froffenix rises from the ashes.
3. Slum it on the east side
To the west of Beaufort, you have an idyllic little pocket full of expensive green title homes and Hyde Park as their backyard. On the east side you have all the apartment plebs who some might argue are bringing the character of the inner city area down.
So you know which side is more fun. Do as many dodgy kents have done in the past and roll in from the East Perth traino. Enjoy a public drink at Brigatti Gardens and if you’re lucky beat the verge collection vultures to a sweet dumping of shitty apartment crap. Hell yeah!
4. Contract a blood-borne virus in your new inner-city apartment
Speaking of the east side, everyone seems to know someone who used to live on Smith. Well, this can be your chance too. The Stirling Towers offer the absolute gold standard of hepatitis-contracting urban living.
Getting into your new apartment is half the fun, with the joys of dodging the sentry towers and near-hourly attendance by security. Once you do get inside though the views are unrivalled. You’ll even stand taller than the great fart tower. More property opportunities HERE.
5. Treasure hunt
If you don’t mind secondhand, you’ll never have to buy a syringe again! Highgate and discarded sharps are an iconic duo and you’ll have hours of fun spotting these little bad boys around.
They are so prolific that there is a little plaque on Lincoln St warning school kids not to pick ‘em up! Don’t worry though, you’re not in school so don’t feel obliged to follow that advice. Extra points if the needle is still attached and poking into your foot.
6. Join the Chu line
While you’re up at Lincoln St it’s time to do as everyone else does and form a mighty queue for a Chu bakery pastry or coffee. Are there plenty of cafes without lines around? Sure but you’ll suffer from irreversible fomo if you risk one of ‘em.
Once you have your snack, you are duty-bound under the bylaws of the City of Vincent to head over to Hyde Park and write an IG post about lazy Sundays or park hangs with “this one”.
7. Pretend you’re suddenly European
The Queens has always had a bit of an air of pretentiousness but it really went nuclear when ALH decided to rebrand it as a Euro-bar complete with awful disco music. Enjoy fumbling your way through Italian menu items and then pretend that spaghetti with your parmi is “better”. Then sneer at the people ducking into Cloud 9 for a pipe.
Nevertheless, it’s a perfect spot to bore a Bumble date with your basic-arse Euro trip stories and paint yourself out to be a bit of a culture vulture. Even if you spent more of your trip hungover in bed then taking in the sights.
8. Get Seltzer’d and cause some drama at The Beaufort
While the Queens aim for a chic bohemian vibe, The Beaufort has come in steaming as a rival to the old-school Leederville Hotel. A place for the young and alcoholically-novice revellers to dress up and have a seltzer-induced meltdown at the front while waiting to get carted off in an Uber.
The line can get pretty gnarly in the warmer months and the prices aren’t right but can you really put a price on feeling like you’re somebody on one of the rooftops?
9. Make a noise complaint about an HBF event
There are two types of Highgate residents. The fuddy duddy NIMBY who objects to the area’s entertainment vibe and those who say “shit yeah, free concert”. You want to fall into the former category for a rustic experience.
From Harry Styles to the RnB superfest, that little stadium can really crank out the tunes. Which gives you an excellent opportunity to make a butthole of yourself on a local FB suburb page. Go get ‘em tiger.
10. Clog up the school pick-ups in your luxury 4WD
Highgate has two primary schools and neither have a well-thought-out pick-up/drop-off area. So they really rely on courtesy, respect and efficiency on behalf of the parents. LOL! Cram that up your arris, these are inner-city elites. No such courtesy will be shown.
So jump in your Range Rover, and park wherever the fark you want. Then proceed to have a jolly old chinwag with the other yummy mummies with as little regard for others as possible. It’s the Highgate way.
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Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
