1. Hostels are actually an intricate form of punishment
We all look at those super affordable prices and think “yeah, I can handle that”. Well, wrong. Even a 4 person dorm will test you to your limits. 8 person? 12 person? 24 person? Well, just prepare yourself for a buffet of snorers, rowdy drunks and whipped kents talking to your their misso at 5am. True horror.
2. That shitty red-haired weed you get back home doesn’t prepare you for Amsterdam
OK bonglungs McGee. You think you’ve got a bit of chop back home, sucking back those dogshit cones but you’re in the big leagues now mate. So maybe take it easy on those big joints and edibles. You’ll be a stoned mess in no time. A little humility goes a long way, pal.
3. No hangover is worth rolling the dice on Greek island water
We’ve all been there. Forgot to pick up some H20 from the shop and find yourself in a location where the tap water can run a 10 carriage train on your toight little stomach. Ouch! Always be prepared, especially when sinking 20 beers a day in the Greek Islands.
4. There is too much of a good thing
So, you’ve found yourself in Ibiza for a 6 day stretch of a lifetime. Oh boy, make sure you slow your roll on at least one or two nights. That kind of come down could make Charlie Sheen reassess his choices. For god sake bring some serotonin with you.
5. Appreciate your conventional toilet
The shitpaper bucket will test the travel rookies to the max. It’s a horrible inconvenience, especially if you’re use to the luxuries of Australian plumbing. Just hold that breath and suck it up buddy. More on island toilets HERE.
6. No one gives a crikey that you’re Australian
You might think that people hear your nasal shrill and think you’re Chris Hemsworth. You’ll quite quickly realise that you’re as rare as an influencer with narcissism. So don’t be too offended when you’re ignored at every bar you go to. More on obnoxious Aussies HERE.
7. The English are always worse though (the Aussies of the Europe scene)
There’s always that. You’ll find that the English send far more shivers up the spines of Europe than you ever will. At least you’ve got that down under charm. These limey freaks are on bucks/hens do’s in Prague or making an absolute mockery of the Spanish Islands. Absolutely hated.
8. Touristy shit sucks
It can be tempted to chase a well travelled road of tourist experience. Alas, if you’ve had the idea, just think about how many other people have. La Tomatina, running with the bulls, Oktoberfest, all over-saturated shit-events. Avoid at all costs and run your own race.
9. Sail Croatia is the best way to get well acquainted with your stomach lining
Hey, binge drinking with the scum that floats to the top of the Euro-tourism brew is a lot of fun. Enjoy the spray of the Adriatic as you dodge the spray from ocean-sickness-ollie and the saltier spray from that English guy who convinced you he met Mbappe once.
10. No matter how much you’ve explored there’s always a Contiki tour kent who thinks they’ve done more
Death, taxes and some 19 year old who thinks he knows more than you because he went on a 2 week guided tour of Europe with his pathetic little worm of a hand held. STFU mate. Everyone thinks you’re a massive dick.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?