North Perth – where the old country meets the gentrified north. It’s just like your mamma used to make it.
1. North Perth Coles car park
An iconic, old-school Perth suburb wouldn’t be complete without an iconic piece of shit car park that tests every ounce of your patience. North Perth Coles’ car park is a worthy contender for the worst in Perth.
Enjoy the excitement of wondering which side of your car is going to get a vehicular rogering from someone who surely bribed the DoT for their licence. Good times.
2. Feel the wrath of a nonna in North Perth Coles
It’s not just the car park that can present some serious risk to your safety. So can getting between the discount bin and a 4-foot nonna on a mission to save. Watch the cazzo out!
Be left amazed that someone so sweet and little can mutter Vaffangeculo under her breath as she uses those 80-year-old elbows to muscle into prime discount bin position. You won’t win. Don’t even try.
3. Get into a fierce Conti roll debate
Perth’s famous conti roll can be the source of some heated debate. From the origin of the roll to the best fillings, it’s a guaranteed way to get way too fired up when talking to some testa di cazzo who thinks you don’t need pickled peppers.
Only been in North Perth for a few hours and don’t think that makes you an expert? Wrong. In fact, almost anyone who has moved in for more than a week will think this way. Don’t let experience or knowledge be a barrier to your unwavering opinion on the matter. Read more HERE.
4. Get your old mate on
For now, the Charles Hotel has resisted the more insidious tentacles of gentrification from slithering in. It’s still a place where a cob can be a cob and you might get a funny look if you’re a bloke ordering a GnT. Hey, it’s how they were raised.
So, why not join in on the fun? Grab a pair of your best King Gee stubbies, take a relaxed attitude towards shaking after a piss, and navigate all the world’s biggest issues with 0 regard for the shackles of PC conformity. What a time to be alive!
5. See an endangered species before it’s too late
Speaking of the Charles (and the Rosey). Live music venues are under threat in Perth thanks to rising costs and insurance companies rogering them six ways to Sunday on public liability insurance. So better get out and experience it before it’s too late.
Where else will you get to your live out your groupie dream and go home with a roadie who kind of looked like the bass player of a band that was big in the 80s? That’s not a dream you want to go to your grave wondering about.
6. Join the pram pilot squadron at Hyde Park
At the very southern point of North Perth is Hyde Park. A magical pond oasis in the middle of the inner city. A perfect place to load up your two 48 month olds in their pram that costs more than a SOR person’s car and take to the shared walkway.
Clog that bad boy up like it was the shower drain of an all boy’s boarding dorm after they’d been eyeing off Princess Fiona during Shrek night. For extra points, please have at least 2 designer dogs running amok and disregard anyone who asks you to control your undisciplined hounds. It’s your birthright to not give a shit.
7. Test out that suspension on some very aggressive speed bumps
Roads such as Farmer Street (solid bowlo just FYI) have speed bumps so steep that you get a little bit dizzy going over them. It’s the kind of altitude poisoning that is special to the inner Northern suburbs like North Perth.
Why so aggressive? Well, one – North Perth residents rarely drive because leaving their beloved suburb is distressing, so it doesn’t bother them. Secondly, they know blow-ins like you could be tempted to use their beloved side streets to avoid the arterial clusterfuck of the main roads. You can but you won’t enjoy it buckeroo!
8. Stir up the locals by voicing support for the Angove petrol station
Ignorantly wading into a hotly debated local issue is a great way to get your adrenalin up. One of the biggest issues at the moment is the proposed petrol station on Angove Street. Expressing support for this venture will not end well for you.
But that’s half the fun! For the best fight, find a group of old gents having a chat at a Cafe along Angove and tell them how good it’d be if there was a petrol station…right…THERE. Boom, you won’t forget the interaction you have after that.
9. Lunch at the Beatty Park pool
There are lots of great eateries in North Perth but none offer the combination of hot chips, vinegar & fitness delusion like Beatty Park does. Absolutely delicious.
To get the most of the experience, get a large serve and then put in a pathetic effort in the slow lane. After you’ve got a decent stitch it’s time to get out and carb load again. Then go and tell everyone you know that you’re getting fit. That’s the true Aussie way.
10. Get alternative
Ever wanted to join a subculture? Maybe get some tatts or piercings? Form a punk band or hardcore band that will make you Strepsils best customer? Well, North Perth is still a welcoming place for you.
If you want to commit to this lifestyle, you should find 10-20 like-minded types and all move into the same dwelling. It’s about the only way you’ll be able to afford it and it’s all about that post code when you are so fixated on your image.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?