Like many Perth residents, when I was told a suburb called Brabham existed I responded by telling to stfu and to stop making things up. To my surprise, Brabham indeed exists and it is truly blissful. Let’s explore.
1. Raise a glass to broken dreams at Whiteman Edge Village
It takes a particularly savage corporation to promise a suburb a brand spankin’ tavern and then not deliver. Alas, this is the nightmare the people of Brabham live every day.
So head to the proposed site, just opposite Jungle Park, and partake from the nectar of Brabham – whatever deal Liquorland has on 4 packs of double-strength bourbon cans. May Brabham be given a subpar suburban shopping centre pub like Ellenbrook has one day.
2. Test your kid’s coordination at Jungle Park
Tell you what, those playground planners sure didn’t shy away from a playground that one could really shatter a humerus at. Good tbh, kids are getting soft these days and a potential fall from height is good for their growing bones.
If you want the REAL adventure though, one only needs to head to the Jungle Adventure-themed portable toilets. It’s pretty similar to entering the Amazon in terms of flies and heat. Hell, you even have a decent chance of contracting a blood-borne illness in there. Giddy up!
3. Choose a side in the playground supremacy
Two entries about playgrounds might seem excessive but what you have to understand is that Brabham is essentially a massive construction site with playgrounds. There are plenty scattered throughout the suburb but only two stake claim to the throne – Jungle Park and Honeycomb.
Honeycomb stays truer to its theme and while it is on the safer side they make up for it by having a BMX track to break a wrist. There’s also a caged minion at the back. So which will you choose? East Side or West Side? Jungle Park for mine.
4. Lay a slab, build a wall, do something
Brabham has come a long way from the days it was part of Henley Brook and living in Ellenbrook’s shadows. It has ambition and there is a shit ton of building to be done! As far as the eye can see there’s half built abodes.
So get off your arse, get a trade, and help WA’s struggling building sector. After all, if they don’t get more families moving in, how could they possibly justify another extravagant, themed playground for the suburb?
5. Marvel at the vibrant education amenities
Are you looking for a school that looks like a cross between a prison and a Pilbara donga camp? Then look no further. Brabham has you covered and what a beautiful lesson to teach to the children of the sprawl – your life will either be as a FIFO or locked up.
Make sure you admire this building during the weekend so you’re not mistaken for some kind of creeper hanging outside a primary school. You’ll make the Brabham community page quicker than an AirPol chopper.
6. Pay tribute to the namesake
Brabham, believe it or not, is named after Jack Brabham who had a blinder at the nearby Grand Prix track in 1962. So how can you pay tribute to Jack? By channelling your inner race car driver and careening through the roadworks like everyone else seems to do.
Although it’s hard to tell if everyone is honouring Jack or perhaps just losing their shit due to the roads that make Byford look like the Autobahn.
7. Admire some aggressive local government campaigning
City of Swan candidates sure are laying it on thick. This activity is seasonal and not just confined to Brabham but there’s a candidate’s poster at least every 1.5m. Which has lead to a lot of vandalism and defacing.
You choose how you wish to participate in democracy. Whether that be drawing a dick on a poster or maybe just flinging your own sign up because what the hell. It’s not that anyone would notice another candidate anyway.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?