Don’t be a gruntcunt – in your mind, you’re in a wonderful David Attenborough doco where excessive grunting is your beautiful mating song. In reality, it sounds like you’re battling a case of haemorrhoids that would put the Liver King to shame. Shut up.
Stop dropping weights – please understand that every time you drop weights intentionally, everyone in the gym is wishing one end would crush your stupid foot. You’re not Mr Olympia, you’re just an attention seeker.
Don’t be a sweat towel dodger – a moist weights bench is about as appealing as a warm toilet seat after Clive Palmer was seen exiting the bathroom moments before. When they told you getting fit would help you cover others in your bodily fluid, this ain’t what they meant.
Hang up the phone – as interesting as you think your divorced friend’s relationship dramas with some Terrace shitcunt is, you can rest assured no one else cares. Save the call for when you’re shovelling cake & coffee after your 15-minute light workout.
Detonating rice & tuna bombs – gyms that are kind enough to offer a kitchenette have no idea of the destruction they have caused to the gym community. Please take your microwaved rice & tuna bio-hazard outside. It’s hard to work out when you’re reminded of mermaid thrush.
Stop peacocking – please trust that everyone knows you’re a narcissist already. You don’t need to put on the main event with some elaborate workout aimed solely at letting everyone get a glimpse of your excessively toned arse.
Holster your old man peen – it’s fantastic you last felt shame when Agro was trying it on with Ranger Stacey. However, if you could at least point that shrivelled, old man chode in a different direction while you solve all of the world’s problems with your chode-crew.
Stop eyefucking that mirror – face it pal, you’re not in front of that mirror doing those ab reveals and quad pant drops because you want progress shots. Please allow people to ignore you the old-fashioned way, by not initiating conversation on Bumble.
Don’t be brownlow medalist Crop Dustin Martin – gym cropdusters are amongst the worst types of people on earth. Is it some primal desire to spread your scent? Don’t you think the 24 pumps of Lynx body spray is enough emitting from you? Christ.
Show some humanity Captain Protein Powder – two words, courtesy flush. That pure protein diet has your waste smelling like a dogshit bin in the peak of summer. Please show some humanity.
Stop leering – the gym can be visually overstimulating. It’s an all-you-can perv buffet but this ain’t Sizzler so show some goddamn restraint, creepo.
Stop recruiting extras for your feature film – filming workouts can be a great way to become another fitfluencer spreading sub-standard technique to a thirsty following. However, leave others out of it, no one signed up to be in your fantasy series.
Ease up on the ocular champing – are you the sort that feels the need to walk past other’s workouts and smugly smile at how much weight they are lifting? Well, everyone’s sorry your dad never hugged you but mind your own business, big orse.
Don’t engage in unsolicited instructing – it’s confusing, isn’t it? The difference between someone who’s paid to train someone at the gym and someone who pays to go to a gym. Sadly, you fall into the latter so maybe don’t dish out the half-baked advice you stole from some other idiot who doesn’t know what they’re talking about on TikTok.
Camper – you really have separation anxiety about that piece of equipment huh? Please believe you’ll be just fine if you don’t camp out on it for 30 minutes while spending 10 minutes between sets e-stalking the girls who laugh reacted to your latest gym selfie on IG.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?