The Ashes is one of the hottest competitions between England & Australia. Naturally, not everyone is on their best behaviour during this series. Here are the main players.
1. The Shit Talker
Like the wellness blogger of the sports world, his shit talking can be harmful to your health, as you will be evident when you try to rip your ears off whenever he starts banging on about who he’d put at No.3 or who should be dropped from the side.
In fact, he truly believes that the only reason he isn’t on the selection panel is that they haven’t seen the skidmarks of insight he proudly leaves on the toilet bowl of Fox Sports forums.
2. The Bazball Disciple
Every time an English batsman takes a swing, the Bazball disciple will suffer a limey fit with bazzy-convolutions as they try to explain the genius of it all. You should exercise extreme caution if you find yourself staring down the barrel of a Bazballer because you might throw up in your mouth.
If you bring up the fact England reverted back to standard batting tactics to win they will simply say you don’t understand the revolution that is coming. Righto. (Aussie’s version of bazball HERE)
3. The Barmy Army Member
A particularly more potent strain of the bazball disciple is the Barmy Army member. If you’re not at Lords, don’t worry, you can still receive a critical exposure to this cricket fan in the comment sections of FB & Twitter.
You can easily identify one of these animals because they will currently be harping on about the “spirit of cricket” because their own wicket keeper somehow failed to remember what a wicket keeprs role is. Blimey!
4. The Novice
The rules of cricket are like performing a prostate exam: the basics are simple but to really know whats up you have to delve a little deeper. Something that they haven’t done, and will wear down any cricket fan with Spanish Incuntisition of questions, such as “who’s winning” on the first day or “what’s nice about Gary?”
Luckily, TV stations have loaded cricket up with technological gimmicks to keep you occupied and hopefully distract them long enough to avoid having to hear another of their cretinous questions.
5. The Hater
Some people would rather get waterboarded by R Kelly after he consumed a 3L L.A Ice Cola than watch a cracking 5 days of test cricket. Will they keep their simmering resentment quiet?
Oh heavens no, just like a basic bish who went on a silent yoga retreat, they are not going to ever shut up about it. Best way to dull the incessant drone is to drink like Boonie on an international flight. Remind them that there is a big, wide world out there and they are under no obligation to sit next to your shitting all over your parade.
6. The Cricket Purist
If you come across a cricket purist, you’ll quickly learn that a conversation with them about cricket is a punishment so cruel & unusual that Guantanamo Bay passed up on it. Basically, they don’t think you are worthy to have an opinion because you can’t name how many boundaries Ricky Ponting scored in the first session of the 2005 Ashes.
Don’t even think about trying to beat them at their own game by Googling a few choice stats to throw in the mix. They have spent their life obsessively studying the game. They are beyond help.
7. Members Area Elite Aristocrats
MCC transcends space & time is self to be synonymous with cricket tossers. In Australia, they are the ones refusing to participate in a healthy Mexican wave. In England they are haunting the long room to make arseholes of themselves when a decision goes against their team.
Luckily, unless you are at Lords or happen to have ambitions of becoming a butler you’ll probably never see these gouty pombags in real life. Of course, this doesn’t make having to look at them on the TV any easier.
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