Cob loaf – you’re not there to bang arachnids. You’ve come in hot & heavy with the crown jewel of the backyard BBQ scene. It might be your mate’s BBQ but it’s your day. Much like a party crocodile you’ll become extremely territorial and want to rip shreds off any competing cob. More on the cob life HERE.
Potato salad – you’re the personification of an early 2000’s Club Med holiday. A decadent hedonist who sure is shit ain’t counting Kjs today. You want people to submit to their filthy desires – leave them dripping with thick mayo, greasy bacon, and a little hint of that special herb that makes a load of your salad so damn special.
Potato bake – much like the potato salad artist you are diabolical in your aim to satisfy the punters. disappear into the host’s kitchen like a mad scientist and emerge with your creamy, molten hot pan of fuckyeah. You thoroughly enjoy watching people’s will power crumble under your cream.
Honey soy chicken skewers – you have no respect for the sanctity of the hotplate. You’ll force your host to brandish a cooking mat or al-foil unless he wants the hot plate to look like Clive Palmer’s grundies after vindaloo night. More on this offence HERE.
Beyond burgers – everyone knows what to expect when taking a seat next to you. A detailed seminar on how much these burgers taste like real meat. Living one half-arsed statement of agreeance at a time. Unless of course, you spot another plant-based diner, then it’s going to be a celebration.
Quinoa salad – you want to be the change you see in the world. Most people will take a small serving and even enjoy the freshness a green, grainy salad brings to the palate but you’ll be forever living in the shadows of VIP potato salad. You have resigned to this underappreciated corner of the BBQ landscape.
Supermarket BBQ snags – you’re a purist. Your idea of a BBQ consists of 4 things – snags, onions, white bread, and sauce. You look baffled at how the world went and got itself in a big damn hurry with all these fancy meats and exotic salads. Your only culinary skill is splashing beer on a hot plate.
Fancy butcher snags – you’re either British or the face of gentrification. You stand against everything the supermarket BBQ snag purist is. You have stared in the face of Aussie BBQ cuisine and gone all Heston about it. You’ve even been known to enjoy a snag outside the confines of bread. Yes, the bangers are banging but are you also everything that’s wrong with this nation? Also, yes.
Lamb chops – la di da, looks like we’ve found ourselves the millionaire over here. Bringing a fresh rack of lamb chops is a sure sign you just won the Powerball in this economy. Bringing enough to feed the entire BBQ? Just fuckoff back to your private island, pal.
Ribs – you’re ballsdeep into the low ‘n slow cooking culture and you’ll almost certainly refer to a normal BBQ as an apparatus to simply burn meat. You’ll carry a hefty scent as your bowels release the craft beer & meat diet you’ve been living off for the past 6 months. More on this fiend HERE.
Rib eye – you dream big but you’re not particularly practical. A busy, crowded hotplate is no place for your exquisite cut of meat. You’ll almost certainly get all up in the shit of the tongsman as you demand he take extra special care to ensure it comes out medium rare. That, or you’re a masochist who loves being let down. Better luck getting it cooked right by an outback pub cook.
Chips & dip – unlike Captain Rib Eye, you don’t dream big. In fact, you’ve put exactly 0 thought into the dish you’ve brought. That’s not to say it won’t be appreciated. You’re a role player. Never going to win a Brownlow but you might just snag a vote from the bloke choofing on the devil’s lettuce around the back.
Boerewors – here we go. You throw around the term boy too liberally, you aren’t interested in talking about your parent’s migration reasons and you’ll take great pleasure telling everyone about how Saffa’s cook on the braai. A massive boerewor is an aggressive addition to any hotplate. Just the way you like it. More on this character HERE.
Your own hot sauce – you want to share your pain with the world. You’ve gone down the hot sauce rabbit hole and haven’t had a pleasant shit in 5 years. You love it though. That ring sting makes you feel alive and you just want others to experience that. Also, you have trust issues that the host isn’t packing enough heat for your decimated tastebuds. More on this guy HERE.
Lollies – what are you even doing there? You’ve clearly got lost on your way to some end of year 7 celebration. You could have at least brought the fancy National Confectionary shit. Again, getting some acclaim from Sir bonglungs.
