The 7 Stages Of The Bottomless Brunch Monster

Have you ever wanted to be that person that everyone whsipers “fkn hell glad I’m not them”. Well now you can be! The 7 stages of the bottomless brunch monster are easy to follow so get ready.

1. Amping the crew up 

Typically, the plans for a bottomless brunch begin with a series of tags on a Facebook post. This allows each participant to reply with some variation of “OMG you had me at bottomless!! Yas biiitches 😛 😛 😛 xoxoxox”. Once the “yeah the girls” seed has been planted the plans begin to take shape. 

2. Getting ready

It is important to note that the dress code of a bottomless brunch is “Instagram”. This isn’t like rocking into a dim sum restaurant hungover as shit and looking like a gang-banged whopper with cheese. This is an event. It is a full-blown hashtag situation. 

3. The photoshoot 

Accordingly, you’re a failure if you can’t manage to nail some of the key photos of the morning – the complimentary cocktail on arrival, the food arranged stylistically and of course the squad cheers’ing the first prosecco. If you have a problem with your brunch going cold while your besties muck  around with filters than you’re in the wrong spot, buddy. 

4. Getting serious 

Having dicked around with social media for 30minutes means you’ll need to make up some ground on the bubbly. Naturally, given this is Australia any open bar situation is met with the spirit of competition and the job isn’t done until you’ve assured yourself that you’ve drunk your monies worth. 

5. Awakening the inner beast

An inevitable side effect of this Aussie spirit is the exponential increase of the prosecco to screech ratio as you become increasingly “lit”. Some say it reflects poorly on oneself to get cut off from a bar before 1 pm on a Sunday. Others take a contrary view and if you’re really living the #brunchgoals life, you are in the latter category. 

6. Kicking on 

After your two hours are up you will come to a crashing realisation – one does not simply stop drinking after reaching screech-drunk status on a Sunday afternoon. It truly is the point of no return. Launch into that Sunday session like the champ you know you can be. 

7. Finally looking in the mirror 

You will then enjoy a day of frivolities until the dreaded calculus of the drinks to hours sleep equation starts racing through your mind. Your day doesn’t end when you’ve had enough, it ends when the impending anxiety of starting another Monday feeling like a microwaved bag of dogshit sinks in. Goals. 

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