The guy who thinks waving a pineapple is ballin’ – Woah, calm down Bill Gates, you wouldn’t want to start a stampede of every female bartender once they catch a glance of that 50-dollar note you seem to think gives you priority status at the bar. Patrons, keep an eye on this creature, they’ll almost certainly dog you in the line the first chance they get.
The free-range kid farmer – have you ever sat in a relaxing beer garden and thought the ear-piercing shrieks of children running around your feet are all that’s needed to make it perfect? Well, stfu Rolf, no one else feels that way. Free-range kid farmers believe their supervision duties end as they enter and prepare for their wrath if you mention that to them.
The TAB tradie – not everyone is cut out to deal with the ups & downs of a raging TAB tradie. He can be drunk, aggressive, emotional, and insecure but if you can’t handle him at his stool-throwing worst, then you don’t deserve him at his GOCUNNNTTT best. Best to keep a wide berth if you’re inexperienced with this type of beast. More on him HERE.
Round dodger – this one can be hard to avoid because they are within your group. You know exactly who it is and you know exactly how they’ll strike. Marvel at their ability to strategically time every toilet break to avoid excavating a single dollar from their wallet. It would be kind of impressive if it wasn’t so infuriating. More on this cheapcunt HERE.
The Prosecco queen – hear that? No, North Korea isn’t testing out a new supersonic crowd suppression device. It’s a stray from a particularly heinous bottomless brunch that has wandered into your pub seeking to woo her afternoon away. The good news is you’ll only have to avoid her initial aural assault on the venue as soon she’ll find a hunky bartender to proposition all evening. More on the queen HERE.
The creeper – if you’ve ever felt a power-leer burning through the back of your head and turned around to see the Fonz leaning on the bar, you’ll know all about the creeper. While some like to milk these sleaze cows for free drinks, others would rather apply the salt of rudeness to dispatch the parasitic leech as early as possible. Either way, you won’t be able to stop him trying to showcase his “game”. More on the creeper HERE.
Old mate – old mate are the ultimate mixed bag. They should be appreciated but sometimes from a distance. You never know what middie the old mate is on and how close he is to one of his colourful rants about “that lot” and “those people”. If you’re not a seasoned old mate wrangler then don’t dive straight in without testing the waters. More on old mate HERE.
The toilet photoshoot gaggle – big double standard with cameras in bathrooms. If you pull out your iPhone in the mens you’re probably leaving on a register. However, in the females, you’re leaving with the hottest toilet selfie of 2023. Nevertheless, navigating a busy bathroom while dodging photoshoots must get tiresome at some point.
Wandering Eye Willy / straying stream Sammy – speaking of that register. There are always going to be some blokes in pub toilets that make the experience uncomfortable. Case in point is wandering eye willy or straying stream sammy. Whether they invade your personal space with their gaze, stream of splashback you’ll be avoiding them at the urinal next time, no question.
The cocktail seeking missile – waiting in a busy queue for a drink is an Australian staple. Keeping your cool is essential.. A skill that will put to the test when you realise the ladies in front of you just ordered 8 complicated cocktails. Lord have mercy, why isn’t there a separate line for this kind of malarkey? More on this beast HERE.
Shadowboxing Sammy – you’ll typically spot this tough guy in the smoking area or out the front after being kicked out. He will put on a dazzling display of his MMA skills and if he’s honest, he’s not that picky on how gets the oos oos. Avoid eye contact and whatever you do, don’t smirk at his sub par technique. More on this toughkent HERE.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
