It’s the most wonderful time of the year. When flower enthusiasts converge on all their favourite spots to take their shot at Instagram glory. Do you have what it takes to survive wildflower season?
Bankrupt yourself on a fancy camera
First and foremost, you must understand that wildflower season isn’t about living in the moment, it’s about documenting it. To that end, you must invest in wildly excessive camera gear for your amateur needs.
Do you think $2k is too much to spend on a camera? Mate, you aren’t even at the party. Try $8k. Make sure to get a lens that makes Hubble look like a micropenis too. Imagine just using a perfectly satisfactory iPhone camera like some kind of LOSER. The horror.
Prepare to make friends with farmers
The canola fields are an absolute must on your wildflower checklist. Now, one can make the necessary arrangements with specific farmers but if you’re not living on the edge you’re taking up too much space right?
Get ready for the adrenaline thrill ride of trespassing on a farmer’s livelihood to take a photo of yourself in a yellow field of inconsideration. With any luck you’ll get a warning shot at worst you’ll have the tyres on your Suzuki Swift slashed and a very irate rural gentleman wanting a word.
Crack the shits it’s not what you expected
While you’re up North check out some of the other hot spots that have failed to yield the same majesty as years before. Low rainfall hasn’t helped the situation but instead of shedding a tear for nature, shed a tear for your “content creator” dreams.
That TikTok video is never going to get picked up by Tourism WA if you’re galavanting around a barren field. Doh! Remember though, it’s not your fault you didn’t do your research before committing to the trip. So take your frustrations out on the local township. That’s the influencer way.
The joy of the Perth spots
After you’ve returned from your travels, it’s time to hit the best Perth has to offer. Is your idea of a good time going to a crowded park with every other swinging Dikon with a telescopic zoom trying to take photos while dodging hordes of supervised children?
Better yet, a trip to Araluen gives you the chance to travel through the Mordor-esque southeastern corridor of Perth. Keep your arms and legs inside your Swift at all times because getting too close to the Armadale wildlife might be hazardous to your health.
No pain no gain
You are strongly advised to shelve half a box of Zyrtec before heading to your favourite wildflower spot. Before you’ve even stepped out of your car you’ll be sniffing like a stockbroker at an EOFY party.
Also, expect your eyes to be red. Nothing like having that appealing stoner aesthetic for all your photos. If that look isn’t your jam then you’d better remember to bring your sunglasses. Or everyone will think you’ve been chasing a different kind of flower!
Expect collateral damage
As your lengthy captions on your posts will say you are totally in love with nature. Don’t focus too much on the hypocritical contrast of trampling through said nature to get the perfect shots. You have to expect a little collateral damage.
So don’t think twice about laying down in a flower bed to get a photo or any other act of flower slaughter. You won’t be alone!
Everyone goes home a winner on the day
To make your experience truly memorable you should do what more than a few enthusiasts do and take some samples home with you on the day. Stealing wildflowers is frowned upon but who are they to tell you that you can’t keep them half alive in a flower pot on your cretinous balcony for a few days?
They really don’t understand how much you love wildflowers! And as we all know, if you truly love something you must treat it with no respect and ultimately ruin it for others. That’s the wildflower way.
RELATED: Canola Farmers Welcome “Get the Fark Off Our Property” Season
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
