Friends and family of Flagmantle die hard, Byron, are praying that he comes through the other side after being hospitalised this afternoon after watching the entire Eagles game in a state of hyperarousal.
He was found at about 2 pm in his living room laughing hysterically and rambling about “Meth Coke Eagles” with a stiffy that could hit a home run at a local T-Ball game. His wife told The Times,
“You can tell he’s filled the void of Flagmantle’s lacklustre season with West Coast’s failures. It’s driving him now. A Derby win is one thing but getting spanked by the fellow wooden spoon contenders by that much was just too much for him to take at once. We rushed him to the hospital and his stiffy still hasn’t gone down”
Doctors at RPH were quick to diagnose Byron with acute schadenfreude poisoning and have him hooked up to a replay of the 2018 grand final to try and fight the effects of the overdose. Sadly, as of 4:30 pm, the treatment has been ineffective.
A nurse on shift told The Times it was perhaps the worst case she’d seen since the scandals of 2006. She told The Times,
“This Flagmantle supporter has had a long dependency on West Coast failure. Once you get hooked on a drug as powerful of that you need more and more and more. Alas, with high quantities of any substance comes risk and he simply took in far too much this afternoon. We’re not sure if he’ll ever be able to feel again”
His concerned father asked the doctors if he’d ever be able to experience an excessive amount of optimism after Freo winning a few games. He was told that there is a 50% chance he’ll never feel the Flagmantle vibe again. Byron’s father told The Times,
“I bloody told the idiot not to watch the entire game. His mother and I were being drip-fed the good stuff every 20 minutes. You can’t just mainline that kind of Freo-euphoria. Not to mention the effort from Flagyalup last night. Why son, why?!!? Know your limits”
The finest medical professionals WA has to offer are working around the clock to cure Byron but concede it will be a long road. Their greatest fear is he’s not healed by the next derby. In one doctor’s words,
“A derby thrashing would be fatal right now. We’d lose him forever. Something has to give before then or it’s not looking good for Byron”
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?