It’s a familiar scenario – the sun is shining, birds are chirping and you’d rather be a stray sock under a teenager’s bed than drag your uncommitted arse to work. So, you decide to chuck a sickie.
Pick your day – habitually taking Mondays off will earn you a reputation as a pisshead whose life is a chaotic mess of shambolic proportions. Although this may be an accurate summary of your life it is not helpful when it comes to chucking a good sickie.
Habitually taking Fridays off will see you charged with the most serious offence in the employment handbook – attempting to live life to the max. Wednesday/Thursday is the sweet spot.
Choosing your ailment – before you can pull off the grand ruse you will have to decide what you’re going with. COVID has made it pretty easy at the moment as even an itchy throat will send your employer into a panic. Of course, they may ask to see proof you tested negative.
Without a doubt the champion of the game is gastro. Sure, you’ll give your workplace the mental image of you recreating the exorcist in your toilet all day but no one’s going to probe.
Groundwork – premeditated sickies are the way to go. If you know it’s going to be a 35-degree stunner on Wednesday, get to work on Tuesday with your Oscar-winning “I think I’m coming down with something” performance.
Not only have you lubed your employer’s expectation hole but you’ve earned extra kudos for “soldiering on” and bravely completing a day of work despite pretending to go the can 8 times.
The big moment – to become a seasoned pro you must look fear in the eyes and conquer it. Don’t send emails or texts – ring the raging beast and seal the deal.
However, crucially, don’t oversell it on your theatrics. Remember it’s Gastro, not Ebola. It’s a headache, not amoebic meningitis. It’s a stomach ache not a scene from Alien. Play it cool, Daniel Day Flu-is.
Maintaining the illusion – perhaps most important is not getting too excited and blowing all your hard work by giving it all away the next day.
Our beautiful friend the sun is one of the biggest snitches in the game. Don’t rock into work the next day with an “I definitely haven’t been resting in bed” sunburn. That’s how they get ya.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?