Want everyone to know you are taking a gap year after dropping out of the school of hard knocks? Unfortunately for you, the University of Life isn’t taking enrollments right now so it’s on to plan B: selling sticks and staunching international kids at bus ports.

To aid you in your new life as a petty criminal you must equip yourself with a Nike bumbag. Sure one day you will have enough “clout” to walk into a Kuta market, buy an L.V manbag and start telling bouncers at the Swinging Pig that you move a bit of rock; but until then, you must learn the tricks of the trade with a humble Nike bumbag.

First things first, don’t you dare strap that bad boy around your waist. You aren’t some disgusting American good-time-tourist in Thailand. No, you strap it across your chest diagonally, bruz. Remember to get it around the correct shoulder, because if the strap obscures the Nautica logo of the polo you ganked then this has all been for nothing.

Next, you must also illegitimately acquire a pair of Adidas shorts to show off the leg tattoos that your scaly mate gave you after chasing the crystal dragon. When it comes to the tatts – the crapier the better, as they will convey more pain when you rap about the hardships of catching a bus to Spearwood or some shit. Complete the look with a pair of TNs or Air Max – high-performance shoes for anyone competing in the 100m sprint from the Athletes Foot security detail.

Don’t sow your wild oats with a 16 y/o yet as you need to pack your bumbag with the right tools. First up and most importantly, you need a good permanent marker. Tagging your non-existent gang is perhaps the sickest way to make your first deposit in the ol’ criminal chequing account.

Next, you’ll need multiple phones. Does your $100 a day weed empire really need multiple phones? Probably not, but it’s not like that Asian kid waiting outside Curtin Uni can’t afford another one and you should always have one spare to film a fight.

That’s right to truly don a Nike bumbag you must become the Steven Spielberg of filming self-incriminating evidence. If you thought the Girrawheen high girls liked you now, wait until you upload a video of you and your “crew” kicking the shit out of someone while they lay cowering outside an IGA.

All because they had the audacity to defend the stock they need to sell to make a living. You sure showed them.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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