Kyle thoroughly believes that his early morning workouts are less about his aerobic fitness and more about inspiring a generation of soft-bodied, McMuffin-esque lumps of shit who think a warm bed is an acceptable place to be at 6:30 on a Saturday morning.
Accordingly, it was imperative his flock was well aware that not only was he pounding hard concrete at 6:30 but that it was also an icy 2.7 degaroonies.
Can you blame him? It was precisely the kind of motivational malarky that everyone lucky enough to call him a follower was going to get shoved in their face when they finally mustered up the courage to seize the day.
Kyle had taken a break from his aggressive speed running up the ladder to perch himself in an ideal spot to get a good look at some activewear-honies that he’d been leering at for the better part of the workout. He told The Times,
“See this body? It’s a workshop. Where excellence is made and last time I checked, champ, no one’s calling tools down just because it’s close to 0 degrees”
Kyle went on to personally view the profiles of every female who checked out his 10 IG story posts. Which ranged from him pontificating towards the rising sun to demonstrating correct stretching technique – making sure to include the temperature sticker in every single one.
A hungover coworker of Kyle said seeing his early morning, arctic workout she vowed to make some changes in her life,
“I had to get up at 6 to let the dog out and wow it was pretty cold. Makes you wonder how Kyle did it? Is anyone organising a medal or ceremony for him?”
Feigning humility, Kyle said that an early morning workout in single degree temperature was all in a day’s work. Adding
“You ain’t seen nothing yet. Wait until I hit em with a 6am public holiday selfie of some attention-seeking workout I decide to pull out of my very fit arse”
Kyle, of course, couldn’t sit around flapping his gums. With a sunny day expected he needed to hurt. Not only did he need to post photos of his meal prep contained in all the Tupperware he stole from his mum but he has to get ready for his Marine Parade shirtless job.
“Early morning stuff is good but you can’t guarantee someone will watch ya story. So to make sure everyone knows the situation you gotta take it to the street during the day. Leave no questions in the public’s mind about who is the greatest. I’ll give ya a hint *starts tensing tricep*”
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?