REPORT: Birkenstock Owner Doesn’t Know When To Let Go

It’s a tough gig being the owner of elite German sandals. It comes with a lot of responsibility that you thong-wearing plebs would never understand. One of these key responsibilities is to tell anyone who will listen that a good pair of Birkeys will last you for life. 

While it’s admirable not to be contributing to the never-ending mass of landfill clogging up our planet’s arteries, it’s less admirable to drag your filthy footwear that even Moses would consider a little dated through people’s homes. A lesson that Birkey owner Todd just doesn’t seem to get. He told The Times,

“Easily another 6 maybe 10 years left in these. People keep asking me wtf is that smell when they are in a confined space with me. I tell them that’s the smell of a man who doesn’t have to buy a new pair of thongs every 3 months because of a blowout. That’s the smell of being better than you”

Todd’s defiance in the face of prevailing footwear standards is well noted by the people around him. We spoke to his mate who said Todd just doesn’t know when to let go. Adding,

“I get the feeling that if Todd throws away those manky fkn sandals he’ll have accepted that the brand isn’t quite as good as he makes it out to be. Everything grows old and his foot b.o has fused into the leather to create a sort of horse-riders-gooch stink. That’s the best way I can put it”

We asked Todd if he had any plans to retire the busted up Birkeys. He scoffed as he enjoyed a soy, fair trade, cumin latte,

“You can pry these Birkeys off my cold, dead feet mate. I bought them 5 years ago and I’ll be buried in them. I do think they are getting a little weathered though but that’s to be expected when you never take them off”

We can report that the Birkeys are so disgusting that they were left overnight at South Beach and remained there in the morning. That’s saying something. 

RELATED: Young western suburbs woman denied entry to Claremont Quarter for not wearing Birkeys

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