For weeks, the good people of Augusta believed they were witnessing a truly magical occurrence. A ‘lost’ southern elephant seal had made their beach its new home while it moulted and regained strength. If only fairy tales existed in real life.
As it turns out, the Augustians were simply gawking at a hefty American tourist who had visited for the Exmouth eclipse but needed to seek respite from the heat up North by barrelling down to the South West.
In retrospect, all the signs were there. A Dodge Ram parked at the beach each day and an occasional loud annoying sound that was mistaken for a seal cry. In reality, it was the man asking the locals why they are taking photos of his Clive-esque bulk. We spoke to a local who feels a tad silly now. She told us,
“We realised we may have got the wrong species when Big Gus wandered into the local pub to demand a cheeseburger. We thought that was unusual behaviour for an elephant seal. We also didn’t expect an elephant seal to have such strong views about Donald Trump’s innocence”
In what was described at the time as a “seal rampage”, the enormous mammal made its way through the pub making short work of wooden chairs and complimentary sauce containers. No one dared to disturb the beast, noting that interactions between seals and humans could often result in a nasty bite. Our source continued,
“It was only after Big Gus bit a child trying to grab one of his chips did we think that it was a seal after all. No human could do that surely. So we got the local wildlife experts in and they safely removed the creature and put it back on the beach”
The American man in question is now considering his legal options after waking up heavily tranquillised in the Augusta sea. He told The Times,
“Here I was thinking this was a free country? I can’t even get no dang cheeseburger without getting forcibly relocated! This is why every man, woman, and child under god has the 2nd amendment right under the constitution to…”
We had to stop him there.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?