It wouldn’t be overstating things to say that the real victim of yesterday’s senseless blaze at Jacob’s Ladder was fitness devotee Brad. Known for smashing it up and down the ladder on the daily.
Sadly, the ladder remains closed while authorities assess the damage. So Brad has had to improvise, adapt, and overcome the closure by charging up and down his office building’s stairwell and frankly being a bit of a pest. He told The Times,
“This was like when the ladder closed down in 2016 due to safety concerns. I didn’t even think to hit the stairwell, I just cried in a depressed heap into it was reopened”
Accordingly, Brad has been running up the stairs and dishing out unsolicited fitness advice to tight body hotties that he deems worthy of his gaze. One such woman told The Times,
“I like to get my steps in and I was walking down the stairs when this sweaty moron comes bounding up. He stopped when he gets to area I was on and told me I should keep my heart rate at around 180 and asked me if I needed help checking it. I told him to not touch me. He then told me it was our duty as tight bodies to wear tighter clothes to inspire the lardarses. Ew”
Much to Brad’s dismay, not that many people used the stairwell. Especially on such a warm day. So he took matters into his own hands.
A worker at the same building reported that Brad was seen putting “out or order” signs on elevator doors. Adding,
“Yeah, this dude wearing head to toe Under Armour and a Garmin watch was putting signs up and telling people they’d have to use the stairs and to not complain because they all look like sacks of crap anyway”
One of Brad’s coworkers told The Times that he had to pull him aside and tell him he was making people a little uncomfortable. Especially given the shortness of his shorts and his tendency to really stretch for the burn after each set. He told The Times,
“We are talking mere centimetres from seeking his old boys. Maybe that’s standard operating procedure on Jacob’s Ladder but this is the CBD, mate, it’s not on. I reckon HR is going to have a very long chat to him later”
As for Brad, he vows to terrorise the staircase twice daily until his beloved ladder is returned to him. Watch out Spearwood because he might be hitting Manning Park’s staircase on the weekend though.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?
