TransPerth reveals that if more than 50% of their escalators worked at any one time it would summon a great evil they vowed to protect us from

TransPerth has hit back angrily at critics who accuse it of constantly having out of service escalators which creates inconvenience across the train network.

In an exclusive statement to The Times, TransPerth stated that they aren’t actually an public transport body but rather guardians of an ancient evil that threatens to decimate Perth if unleashed. A spokesperson told us,

“We are calling for the public to get off our back. Do you have any idea what would happen if more than 50% of our escalators worked at any one time? A portal would open at Wellington Street and the apocalypse breakout enslaving all your mortal souls and condemning them to damnation! So stop asking us why they are broken!”

If what they are saying is correct then the people of Perth certainly owe them a pat on the back. However, not everyone is convinced.

We spoke to a public transport commuter who said that the idea of an ancient evil that will be summoned if the accessibility infrastructure aligned is a convenient story but could just be an excuse. Adding,

“Yeah, I get what they are doing, bring up this really Biblical explanation that the very fabric of our existence hangs in the balance of a few unenthusiastic TransPerth maintenance contractors but honestly, could it be that the escalators are just shit?”

It was a fair question. So we contacted an expert in ancient evils that threatened to swallow Perth whole. We were told,

“I have heard of such a force, but I disagree with what they are alleging. See, there are two tomes, and one suggests that the portal will be open when MetroNet finally links Ellenbrook to Perth! I think the warning about escalators was about a lesser demon, nothing to worry about”

Well, there you have it Perth. It appears there is no chance every escalator is going to work so I suppose we should all prepare ourselves for the end when MetroNet concludes its business on the Ellenbrook line.

That’s a far more plausible story.

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