Mr Waleed Aly

Waleed awakens in his ivory tower and peruses a room full of suits. He ponders today’s garbs as he tries to pick the suit that screams, “most successful Gold Logie winner, Islamic TV personality and ethnic trailblazer on a prime time slot, of all damn time”. Navy blue, bingo.

His left hand is itching to pull down Australia’s dacks and give it a good self-righteous spank on its ignorant arse. Without his 3 minute summaries of obvious issues, the nation would go down the gurgler. He knows this, he needs this.

Sadly for Waleed, it’s his day off. So he agrees to spend time with some work colleagues in a bar setting. He knows he is needed to keep things P.C while his colleagues disappoint him.

One of Waleed’s work colleagues approaches the bar and orders a double Jack & Coke. An ominous feeling of unease overcomes him as he looks to his left, and spots Waleed staring at him like a Velociraptor peering through the underbrush , “gone for a double mate? OK”.

Satisfied with the social judgment he cast, Waleed returns to the table to interrupt another colleague’s Tinder story, “hey, hey, boys, easy, I’m sure we can do without the details of her breast size, yeh?”.

Everyone at the table feels as nervous as a losing horse around a glueless trainer at a Melbourne Cup arts & crafts party. To appease Waleed, the camera guy proposes a toast to positive, Islamic role models, but in the process knocks over a glass.

Waleed ocularly scorns him like a Woolworths’ vegan would look at a man trying to redeem a coupon for caged eggs. Everyone knows what’s coming. They are about to be monologue’d. Waleed leans forward, and like the soap boxer he is and lands a left hook:

“Alcohol, we all drink it, but do we need it?” Waleed smugly states as he proceeds to tell everyone alcohol can be harmful for the next 3 minutes. He finishes his no-shit-Sherlock sermon by making a special request:

“so to prevent you from harming yourselves and others how about we all try something right now, #giveyourkeystoWaleed, seriously guys, keys, now”.

No one dares disobey the Minister of Monologues, the Sultan of Shit-eating Summaries, the Lord of Lowest Common Denominator “News” Segments. Even the sober drivers will be taking an Uber home because if Waleed said it, it must be true.

With a pocket full of car keys, Waleed heads home. On his way he spots a “FuckOff We’re Full” sticker on an SS Ute. Not on Waleed’s watch. He forces the Ute off the road, and when the driver regains consciousness, all he sees is Waleed’s angelic head hovering over him.

“Mate, racism, we all hear it, but do we need it? #givethestickertoWaleed”

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?