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The Joe Rogan Enthusiast

Joe Rogan

Chris starts his morning like he starts every morning – by hacking his mind with Nootropic brain enhancement pills that he heard his saviour Joe Rogan spruik on his podcast. Just a few more months left on the course before he can breakthrough on his next DMT trip. 

He’s up 5 am on the dot so he can squeeze in a full 2+ hour JRE podcast before going to work. Joe’s stoned musings on articles he’s half read will provide much of Chris’ talking points for the day. 

It hasn’t exactly been smooth sailing for Chris lately though. Like many Roganers he was outraged that Joe signed a deal with Spotify and took the podcasts off YouTube. He even vowed to end his love affair with pseudo-intellectualism and just get balls deep into Jordan Peterson instead. 

However, one fateful morning, he revisited one of his favourite episodes and listened to his bald messiah effortlessly segue a conversation about the philosophical absurdity of deciding a value on life insurance to whether the guest had seen a video about a moose getting hit by a car. Joe traversing the big ideas is what keeps Chris hooked. 

At work, Chris heats up a Tupperware container filled with Tarzan’s leftovers and sits next to a vegetarian. He stares at her salad and decides to drop a free-thinking bomb of mass confusion, “did you know plants know they’re being eaten?”

Feeling like she is on the cusp of a bareback Roganing, she tries to politely laugh off the comment. Chris continues, “plants are actually way more complex than we think, they are sentient, if you play the sounds of a caterpillar eating next to plants they will actually change their taste structure, giraffes actually starve when this happens, you should listen to Joe Rogan on this”. 

An ineloquent summary to say the least. Nevertheless, he mistakes her shocked bewilderment for being mind-blown. Chris gets back to watching UFC clips on his phone while gnawing on his meat box. 

After work, Chris swings past a few butchers he hasn’t been to in a while to check if they have Canadian elk meat yet. They don’t, so he settles for whatever game they have in stock. He must eat like Joe so he can keep his house smelling like a Lion pride struck down with gastro. 

After another unsuccessful Elk hunt, Chris heads to the gym to annoy the shit out of other people working out with YouTube videos he has ready on his phone. For Chris, a complete workout must include both muscles and the mind. 

He sidles up to a guy trying to rest after a set of bench presses, “you seen this mystery monolith in the Utah desert?” He doesn’t get much of a reaction from the meathead. He doesn’t let the lack of social interest stop him.

“Yeah, thinking of microdosing shrooms with my protein shake before a pump, you ever heard of that? Apparently, it can unlock the brain’s natural desire to be ripped, something to think about mate”. 

Chris gets back to lifting, satisfied he’s blown yet another mind. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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