Troy’s palate was scarred from a childhood of feasting on the bland offerings of the average Aussie lifestyle. A culinary cripple haunted by memories of apricot chicken, supermarket sponge roll and mystery casseroles served with a lumpy scoop of mashed dreams. 

For years, he measured his life out in 2-fa-1 servo deals. As long as he could douse his lunch with tomato sauce he was in heaven. If he was feeling adventurous he’d get a foodcourt plate of sweet & sour pork and honey chicken. 

Until one fateful day, he was dragged to a new burger shop in Perth and was exposed to an American weapon of mass saturation. To date, his only reference points for burgers were either “the lot” from a fish & chip shop or an un-lovingly crafted McShlopper.

Potato bun, layers of smashed patties, cheese that could survive a nuclear blast. He knew from that day that his depressing dietary journey was over. He was now among his people – greasy lipped burger aficionados who hunt KJs for sport. 

After joining several online communities, he soon came to think of himself as an expert on the new wave of gourmet burgers. Suddenly, the guy who copped the fishy finger of Captain Birdseye on Friday night was “above” fast food burgers. 

He seethes with snobby rage as he comments on a post of a fellow burghead posting their generally positive review of the McSpicy,

“Seriously,.. Posting Maccas jst mean u dont understand wat a good burger is!!! Wound’t eat that shit if yous paid me, ay.. U even had a smash pattie bro?? Bloody hell be more adventoris”

What Troy fails to realise that in the pursuit of indulgence not every act of mastication can be a luxurious, lubed up, 15-minute act of beauty. Sometimes you need to belt one out like a sweaty Quasimodo in the public toilet of life.

After savaging anyone who doesn’t conform to his modern standards of burger beauty he decides to post a review. To make a name for himself, he decides to take a swing at a joint with a fierce reputation on the yard. 

In his 300 word essay on the matter, he explains how every component doesn’t measure up to his lofty expectations. For a guy who habitually wakes up a cremated frozen pizza in his oven, he has a lot to say about proper cookery. 

He goes full Broadfield and gives the eatery a 3/10 for not living up to his expectations but also “dogging him” on a serving of chips. After all, he’s paying good money and expects a good portion. 

Predictably a shitfight breaks out and the small business even posts footage of the chip serving before he’d eaten half and then took a photo. It’s a scandal that goes straight to the heart of the burgerment. 

He had lost control in the whirlwind of burger madness. He had stared into the burg-byss and it stared straight back into him. Now he’ll need to find another universally liked food to base his personality on. The horror. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?

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