Emergency services are urging Perth motorists to reconsider their need to travel by road given the unbridled shittery already seen after some light precipitation today. A spokesperson for DFES told The Times,
“You’d think we wouldn’t have to put out a warning over a few drops of rain but here we are. Even with so many people working from home, the rain still managed to create ridiculous traffic conditions on the roads. Have to love Perf”
Main Roads echoed the sentiment,
“It was quite something watching our monitors. Amazingly, the abysmal driving started even before the first drop hit. It was almost like their Perthy-senses started tingling and they shaved 25kph off their speed. Probably better that way, lord knows what would happen if these donuts got to full speed on the Freeway”
We spoke to Bev who made the brave decision to drive to work,
“You read on the news there will be rain and I think my right foot instinctively clams up. I just can’t seem to push down harder on that accelerator. I got to 55kph on the Freeway this morning and I honestly don’t know if I should have tested my brand new tyres and brake pads like that, I was reckless”
On the other hand, a local unemployed man who lives his life one burnout at a time, uncharacteristically couldn’t get out of bed fast enough. Telling us,
“I ain’t been up before 9 am in years mate, but I head the pitter-patter of rain on me roof and I had to get out there. Haven’t done a hectic skid in ages bro, apart from when I did a reverse kanga at the missos hahaha, cop that ay”
Emergency services, ESPECIALLY want that guy to reconsider his need to use the road. Especially after even the smallest bit of rain seems to make our power grid cack its dacks these days. A spokesperson for Western Power told us,
“Last thing we need is more power outages because ol Freddy Fishtail was in the mood to drive like a clown. We’re already up the proverbial creek without a paddle, mate”
Traffic is expected to remain unnecessarily bad until several hours after the last of the rain. Although while the whimsical scent of an autumn downpour lingers in the air, it’s best to just avoid the roads at all costs.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?