REPORT: Wired coworker about one more coffee away from a full existential crisis

A Perth CBD firm is monitoring the well-being of coworker Tim carefully in the wake of an excessively caffeinated morning.

The first red flag was when Tim came charging into the office with a double-shot flat white. Clearly, he was peaking and even tried on some over-enthusiastic “charm” with the receptionist. She told The Times,

“Yeah, he was firing off all cylinders. Way too awake for that time of the morning. He reenacted one of the goals in the Matilda’s win over Denmark. Then made me high five about smashing our goals today. I was concerned”

It can be revealed that the flat white wasn’t Tim’s first coffee of the day. Oh no. He had helped himself to a double espresso from his machine at home first. By just 8:30, he was sitting on 4 shots of the good stuff.

Despite looking a bit clammy and uncomfortable, Tim was back at the Nespresso pod machine just 10 minutes later. A coworker in the kitchenette said he tried to advise Timmy to go easy. Adding,

“I could see the tell-tale signs of an impending coffee-meltdown coming. He was looking more and more anxious. I asked him how many cups he’d had and he told me he couldn’t remember. That ain’t good”

Just moments after finishing another cup, the 1000-mile stare came over his eyes as he started at his email inbox. There was a solid 45 unread and you could tell he was looking his own mortality in the face.

He was no longer chatty. It was the silence of the lambs. If he takes one more sip of coffee it could be all over for Timmy. Go and grab a beer mate. Take the edge off.

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