Much like Maylands, Bayswater was the knockabout kid you used to go to school with. Yes, maybe they ate too much Clag during class but they have blossomed into something quite special.
1. Throw yourself into the deep end with a hire car
The official line is “no birds” refers to the attractive delivery girls that used to come with car rentals. Others say there was a knock shop in the area and thirsty blokes used to get mixed up. Either way, it’s a great place to hire a car as a dumbarse tourist and throw yourself at the mercy of Guildford Road and Tonkin. May god help you.
2. Satisfy your blood lust watching the street roller hockey
Some people watch sports for the contest. Others are sickos who enjoy watching sports for that off chance you get to see some bone poking out of the skin. If you’re the latter, you simply must enjoy some roller hockey at the local bowlo. It’s not a sport for the faint-hearted.
3. Conquer a fear outside the mannequin house
If you grew up SOR you probably remember the creepy mannequin house on Leach Highway. What an institution. Luckily for you, there’s one NOR too which really goes above & beyond to inject some nightmare fuel into your day. So have a gander and with any luck one doesn’t become sentient and slaughter you.
4. Argue over smokers and craft beers in Big Don’s line
Big Don truly is the pied piper of people who spend 75% of their weekend standing around a big green egg arguing about craft beer. If you fit that bill, join one of Don’s BBQ tailgates as you do your best to not crop dust everyone after your heavy night on the chocolate stouts and pork.
5. Go toe to toe with some old mates at the Bayswater Hotel buffet
It’s always refreshing to see a pub with a bit of character but if you’re going to lose yourself in the delights of the buffet be ready to stand your ground and hold your own. Some of these old mates have been smashing this feed for years and they won’t take kindly to some cleanshirt trying to get in on a fresh bain marie drop.
6. Get metro netted up the wazoo
Presently, navigating around Bayswater is about as enjoyable as being a Kleenex in a teenage boy’s bedroom. It’s some classic short-term pain for long-term gain and hopefully, that keeps you sane as you wonder if you’ll ever get to cross near Meltham Station. Oh, and there are detours absolutely everywhere. Enjoy.
7. Enjoy watching the above while on smoko
Of course, if you are lucky enough to be working on the Metronet project you can take a break from standing around watching one bloke on some heavy machinery to watch the surrounding public lose their shit around the traffic works. Have a Dare from the IGA, light up a dart, and let their road rage replenish your spirit. It’s the little things that count.
8. Give up the Fast & the Furious dream
One surefire way to get ridden out of a town by an angry mob is to drive like a dickhead in Bayswater. It’s a suburb filled with speed reduction measures and a kindly reminder on every 2nd bin. So retire your Fast & The Furious delusions and take in the arty aesthetic as you learn how to function in a built-up society.
9. Feast on the fat of the lunch bars
What separates the Bayswater wheat from the Maylands chaff is the fact Bayswater barely has any fast food chains (just a Roota). Instead, it’s got a lunch bar vibe scattered throughout its semi-commercial section. That’s right, Bayswater isn’t just for gentrifying yuppies, it’s still got solid blue collar roots so go in search of the perfect crumbed sausage, cob.
10. Feel the eerie energy at Bayswater Station (consider closing the portal)
You might feel like you’re in the mighty Bull Creek when you realise you have not one but TWO trainos to choose from. What a luxury. However, Bayswater Station is an unholy place, for it is the portal that all Midland & High Wycombe residents must pass through – and soon to be Ellenbrookians – the horror.
11. Take out the coveted title of first to hit the new Bayswater Bridge
As we all know, the beloved Baysie Bridge was cruelly taken away from its adoring fans. Now a behemoth stands in its place but remember, there is always a bigger truck. So why not be the first to go down in a blaze of glory? You’ll probably need a road train with a special permit but it’ll be worth the logistical hell to claim that crown.
12. Dog cage match UFC feel
Down near the bird sanctuary, the good people of the City of Bayswater have installed a dog cage match for owners to come down with their fur babies that would “never be aggressive”. It’s even got weight divisions for extra potential arguments! So grab some popcorn and enjoy the entitled dog owner show.
13. Cut down on your beer & tomato costs
Baysie has both a hydroponics and home brew shop. So why not get on top of your vices and save a ton of money by getting the kit to do it yourself? Within no time you’ll be forcing your questionable homebrew on mates and enjoying as many fresh tomatoes as you can grow 😉
14. Keep your wretched fruit to yourself
You have to ask questions about a suburb that has been quarantined after Queensland fruit fly was detected. So make sure you devour all your infested fruit in the area and don’t try to sneak some out to neighbouring suburbs. This isn’t what Con the Fruiterer had in mind when he dreamed of a fresh fruit revolution.
15. Express yourself
All along the Midland line gentrification belt are properties expressing themselves in their own little way. Colourful fences, cat licking it’s arris sculptures or political statements. Bin art is also quite popular. So get out there and let everyone know that you’re quirky and are probably one wrong turn off brightly framed glasses.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?