IN FOCUS: Do you have what it takes to drive a Suzuki Swift?

In September 2004, Suzuki changed the game by releasing the first generation of purpose-built P-plater chariots. So it’s no surprise that 2004 has become the average birth year of its drivers.

Sure, you can drive one if you were born before 2004. Heck, you can even drive one if you aren’t a hot, young & fun beauty technician but you’re going to be breaking a lot of Tradie’s hearts as they leer longingly from their dual cab. Attracted like a meth-moth to your P-Plate flame. More on this HERE.

Simply put, the Suzuki Swift is the official car of the aspiring TikTok influencer who hasn’t quite made it yet. One day her revolutionary lip-syncing videos will snag her a hair gummy supplement endorsement and she’ll be able to upgrade to a Cooper Mini. Until then, it’s swift town baby, and you’re going to love every moment of it.

Now, what special powers do Swift drivers possess you may ask? Well, an uncanny ability to get fined for using their mobile phones while waiting at the lights. See, the Swift driver can’t possibly wait a single minute to find out if a Flagmantle player is currently at The Lookout.

What else? Well, they typically parking nouse of a fruit bat on acid. Where can you see this fantastic spectacle? At your nearest beach car park of course. Watch as the driver mistakes the Swift for a Jimny and inevitably gets bogged trying to park “off road”.

Is this the only place you’ll see a stranded Swift? Nope, given the usual driver doesn’t concern themselves with things like coolant levels or services you’re almost certainly going to see one fkn up your commute home on the freeway. Which creates another marvel to behold.

What marvel you may ask? Well, a grubby tow truck driver can detect the sound of a Swift breaking down from over 10 km away. They won’t find much more easy pickings than a stressed out Swift driver. Watch them come flocking from every direction.

Finally, what all Swift drivers share is a disappointed set of parents whose only ray of hope is feeling vindicated in their decision to get their child a secondhand shitbox Suzuki rather than the brand spankin’ hatchy she wanted.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?