State Wide Jack & Coke Shortage As Kalgoorlie Syndicate Wins $63M Powerball

All available stocks of Jack & Coke cartons have been urgently diverted to Kalgoorlie after a group of 250 residents took out the $63M Powerball yesterday. 

Retailers are in shock that the state’s entire supply of black gold has been depleted so quickly, with the only explanation being – Kalgoorlie is partying. 

It is estimated that 3 super pits worth of the fight juice has been consumed since the announcement yesterday. Roughly, twice as much as is usually drunk on a Thursday night. 

A family member of a syndicate member told The Bell Tower Times,

“The double-strength cans in Kal lasted about 25 minutes after we heard the news. Our son was one of the winners, he filled a blow-up pool full of Jack and just swam in it, screaming to the heavens that he was fkn rich”

Wholesalers are scrambling to get more stock delivered from every inch of the country as the Kalgoorlie Powerball party is expected to last up to a year. 

A major supplier of the bogan-mother’s-milk told us,

“It’s our job to get the product to where it’s needed most. Normally we aren’t under this kind of pressure until the Kalgoorlie Cup but this is an extraordinary situation. The only question is whether there is enough Jacks in the world to quench their celebratory thirst”

It’s not just Jack & Coke that you’ll see disappear from your shelves. Judging by a quick browse of Gumtree the second-hand Jetski market has been absolutely obliterated. 

One might not associate Kalgoorlie with water sports (unless you pay enough) generally but that hasn’t deterred the new cashed-up residents from getting a big slice of the WA dream. 

A winner who didn’t want to be named told us, 

“I always dreamed of owning 2 jetskis. It’s the only dream that matters to me mate. I’ll fang em around on lakes and shit, i don’t care. Just want the wind blowing through me mullet mate”

Plans are already underway to build an artificial jetski lake in the centre of Kalgoorlie to accommodate the influx of watercraft. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?