A lot of the focus this weekend has been on the UFC but let’s not forget about the real threat – horny boomers getting all charged up on Sting’s tantric load in Kings Park last night. Authorities have warned that boomers from all corners of the sprawl may be on heat and overly saucy if approached.
We spoke to a younger couple who went to see the sensual frontman at Kings Park. They described septuagenarian canoodling an overwhelming sense that a wrinkly free-for-all could’ve broken out at any minute. Larissa told The Times,
“Sting brings a powerful energy and the air was thick with disconcerting tension in the air. You could tell the tantric-god was inspiring these retirees to go home and commit unspeakable acts of hanky panky”
Authorities have confirmed that they have been called to several caravans in the area that were rocking to the beat of a different rhythmic instrument. Police told The Times,
“We’ve had some disturbing reports that grey nomads that have returned to Perth to see their idol in Kings Park have been creating quite the stir. Some parked up at foreshores because they were evidently too keen to get the party started. We suspect sales of Voltaren will be through the roof today”
Authorities have also warned it will be a rough weekend for freeloading millennials who have moved back into the parental nest to save for a house and the like. Their advice is simple,
“Noise-cancelling headphones if you can’t avoid the house. Please protect yourself from late-life trauma you may never recover from”