Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions For Western Australians

The new year is an exciting time to grow and be better than we were in 2023. Here are some ideas:

1. Big bash fans to go and try a new version of the game they are calling “test cricket”

People are free to take in the entertainment they prefer but the only way to shut up the Eastern States is for all the Scorcher fanatics to go and try this crazy new spin off game they are calling “test cricket”.

You’ll like it. It’s great. As long as you are adequately prepared and don’t have to rely on paying $11 for half a mid strength foamaccino they call beer at Perth Stadium. The duty to get the Eastern States to STFU is everyone’s duty. Read more on this duty HERE.

2. Use the 4WD gear or lose it

You know who you are. Mr Snorkel. Mr 24/7 MaxTrax on the roof racks. You are hearby requested to go and live your offroad life to the max or take that shit down. Once a proud pastime has become a Westralian shame.

Are we to become the “all the gear no idea State”? Can safely say we are certainly in the discussion. Plus, if you enjoyed 4WD’ing as much as you pretend to you might actually have a good time! Lots of people do. Go on, live your fantasy.

3. Stop the yank-tankification of WA

A more insidious issue than 4WD gear is the encoraching influence of the American dicklengthener. Oh boy, anyone who has been to a Dan Murphy’s car park this silly season knows we are already tighter than a soap droppers anoos.

America should be seen as a warning not an aspiration. If you are considering upgrading to a RAM just remember there are far cheaper ways to make yourself repellent to women. Have you considered just upping your Lynx coverage?

4. Learn how to reverse park seeing as you insist on doing so

we get it. Your fourby has special needs and you’ve become a reverse parker at all costs. All good but perhaps learning the nuances of the skill wouldn’t hurt? 

Instead of looking like a shroomed out Pinocchio trying to peg a block of swiss cheese while whispering how lively Subi is, just head down to a secluded car park and practice. For the sake of us all.

5. Start respecting your duty to give the courtesy wave

not being a dick is a fundamental duty of every Western Australian. A duty that is so sorely neglected. Especially when it comes to sharing the road. 

You can really judge a society by how many members give each other a courtesy wave. Even if you drive a LandCruiser. Just do it. You’ll let fellow motorists know you won’t be chucking a u-ey and following them to the next roadhouse to swing a tyre iron like a medieval knight with an ice problem. More on this scourge HERE.

6. Stop referring to a job on a single mine site as “on the mines”

if you work on multiple mine sites, sure, tell ‘em you work on the “moines”. For the rest of you, please come to peace with the fact you work on a single mine site. 

Unnecessary pluralisation makes us no better than the animals who slash straight into the donga toilet water at 2am while everyone else is trying to sleep. Lift.

7. Only wear HiVis during the course of your employment

It’s a common tactic in the “Jobfish” scene. Where a gent will don the hallowed HiVis in an attempt to convince people he has gainful employment. This of course, is deceptive.

While it’s a fantastic piece of work kit, the proliferation of non-work-related HiVis only makes Perth look more like Kalgoorlie by the day. This battle is lost Up North but perhaps we can still see some change in the South. Maybe.

8. Maintain your speed in the Graham Farmer Tunnel

for many this will require some radical reprogramming. You’ll have to unlearn everything you’ve learned as a Western Australian. However it’s a worthy pursuit. 

Enter at 80 and keep on going man. Nothing is stopping you except your own weird belief that a well engineered section of road is somehow less safe than the lawless society existing outside the tunnel. Relax, deep breaths and move it. More on the tunnel HERE.

9. Visit the other side of the river 

this is pretty radical but imagine a united Perth. Globalisation in your own backyard! You know what they say, travel broadens the mind and just think of all the cultural learnings you can bring back to your people.

Now no one is suggesting you switch sides. That can be a traumatic experience for a Perth born citizen. Just dip your toes in. After all, what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger right? Well, maybe, but I wouldn’t go gunning for a case of penicillin resistant Spearwood sex rash. Look but don’t touch. More on this HERE.

10. Stop beating down the roller shutters at supermarkets on a Sunday

always remember the rest of Australia is always looking for ways to depict us as cave dwelling barbarians that have nothing better to do than arrive at Coles 30 mins early on a Sunday and form a mouthbreathing mob at the roller shutters.

Sound familiar? Yeah just knock it off. Get it through your head that the gates ain’t opening a minute earlier and live your life man.

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?