5 Secret Santa Participants That’ll Ruin the Magic This Year

The Neglectful Shitbag – Everyone knows this guy. They couldn’t organise a skinny dip in the genetic pool at a Collie Family X-mas bash. In their defence, forgetting a coworker’s shoddy $15 gift is fairly low on the long list of life goals they’ve failed to kick from right in front. 

Typically, this individual will realise that Secret Santa starts in 15minutes in the boardroom and ask themselves why they ignored all 10 of the office manager’s reminder emails. Needless to say, if you got paired with this mess you can expect the best the closest newsagent has to offer. Ironically, a $15 scratchie is better than some of the other garbage you’ll see exchanged. 

The person who drew someone they clearly hate – There is something truly beautiful about the joy of giving – the thought, the reaction, the fleeting moment between the giver and receiver. Well, the exact same is true inversely. Ask anyone who got the office sports hater a DVD of the greatest biffo in AFL history. 

Nothing engorges the rotten heart of the bitter individual quite like putting lots of thought into a gift they know the human skidstain they drew will absolutely hate. Ultimately, no one can say you didn’t put any effort into it and that’s the true meaning of gift-giving ain’t it?

The person who tried too hard – Clearly, the price limit means nothing to them. They may have a variety of motivations – wealth flex, thirst, or perhaps they are just desperate to sit their arse on the generosity throne to be worshiped by the plebs of giftlandia.

What’s good for the gift-giving goose isn’t good for the flock of ganders, who have had the magic of their gifts sucked out of the room by comparison. Like a vacuum of failing to read the room philanthropy, the person who tried too hard has now ruined Secret Santa.  

The person putting it all on the line for the naughty gag – There’s nothing quite like seeing a fairly oblivious coworker put it all on the line to be the person that gets Carol from accounts a Fistdaddy 3000. Watch as the light-hearted charitable vibe of the day soon turns to an HR complaint and pre-Christmas break mediation to discuss boundaries. 

Seeing this gift giver go down in flames will be a highlight for your experience but very much a tick in the “what was I thinking” box for them. 

The obvious regifter  – Sometimes it can be difficult to determine whether someone is forgetful, a hater, or just stingier than the $2 guac portion at a Mexican chain eatery. However, some specific nuances will make it obvious. 

How will you know? Well, let’s just say if it’s a double pack of Lynx Africa, a fruit cake, or a Dusk candle, then guess what? You’ve been the victim of the regifter. To be honest, just lean into it. 

It’s far better than having to listen to one of these stingelords complain viciously that the gift they purchased was $1 higher in value than the gift they got. Let them cheap out. It’s kinder that way. 

Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?