So, you’ve decided to move to the Pilbara to claim the red dust-tiara that you always knew you were born to wear? Or maybe you grew up there but were sent away to boarding school with the hope you’d make it in the big smoke but prefer to get back to your roots. Time to level up.
1. Choose the right job
Remember you are a cubic zirconia in the rough so you’ll have to find the right rough to immerse yourself in. Ideally, you’ll either work at a station or as a heavy-duty diesel mechanic.
Although wrangling Pilbara drunks behind a bar or getting a gig cleaning on the moines are all noble Pilbara Princess pursuits. As long as you’re getting your hands dirty it’s on brand.
2. Learn to really rock that pink Hi-Vis
Pink Hi-Vis isn’t just work wear, it’s your new aesthetic. From binge drinking at the pub to standing around in someone’s shed doing burnouts it’s your best way of letting everyone know you’re not there to fornicate with arachnids.
If you’re going somewhere fancy like the Newman Races you might just want to fashion a sash out of an old Hi-Vis shirt. This will showcase your gentler, arty side but also let everyone in the vicinity know that you’re no stranger to using a stiletto as a weapon.
3. Speaking of cars
This is a big choice. Do you become a Patrol driving rough & tumble type or will you be tempted by the grotesque B&S ball utes with a pink licence plate making sure everyone knows the car is hers, not his?
It’s a tough choice but the important part is that you really commit to the lifestyle. If you go the ute make sure your circle work at 11:45 pm in your town’s main road is on point. If you go the Patrol make sure you make plenty of references to being filthier than the soot spewing out of the poorly tuned engine.
4. Let every Perth man you meet know he’s soft as butter
This is the essence of Pilbara Princessing. You have to emasculate every man you meet from Perth (or any town with a less fearsome reputation than yours).
If a Perth mate comes up to visit, humiliate him in town by getting him a white wine (the old mates will go wild). Then squish a cockroach with your bare hand while looking right into his eyes. That’ll teach him for wearing an ironed shirt in the Pilbara.
5. Wear your rural licenced venue barring notices like a badge of honour
After a few years of Pilbara Princessing your reputation as a buck wild rum pig will precede you. Naturally, you’ll not be welcome at multiple venues across the Pilbara and Kimberley. The Broome Races is considering your plea to be allowed back but the prospects ain’t looking good.
You can bemoan the consequences of your actions or alternatively take a disproportionate amount of pride in them. Live for the moment and even consider framing your first barring notice. It’s a nice conversation starter as you tell people that the Karratha ain’t what it used to be.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?