FIFO supervisor Keith was worried that he wasn’t striking enough resentment into the hearts of his underlings after starting a new job up north last week. Luckily, those fears were alleviated after heading for his first of many power-dumps today.
At approximately 9 am, Keith sat down to snap one off and spotted a lovely little note written about him on the wall. Positively beaming with excitement he told The Times,
“Brings a tear to me eye ya know. Finally, these roughnecks know who the alpha dog is. That’s why they talk shit ya know. Check out this note, it says I’m a lazy fat c*nt who spends half his salary on prozzies in Bali ha ha, they done their research!”
Over the course of the day, Keith kept finding new notes as he did a round of the toilets. It seems like the crew had nailed him 6 ways to Sunday. He continued,
“Check this one out, they are calling me out trying to bang that cleaner ha ha ha. Reckons she said no cos everyone can smell the cheese of me dick. Man it feels good to be part of the crew”
Another one read,
“There once was a man called Keith
who pulled foreskins back with his teeth
he didn’t do it for money or anything funny
just for the cheese underneath”
In response to the roastings, Keith has vowed to be “a hundred times worse” in the way he treats his crew. Adding,
“I’m not going to rest until every toilet is a shrine to me unique brand of management. This is the kinda stuff that’ll see me earn the big bucks mate. I’m not here to be their friend I’m here to goad them into attacking me in the wet mess so we can fire them without repercussion”
We spoke to a roughneck who almost certainly had scribed one of the notes on the wall. He is a key suspect given he called Keith a dog for bringing his hard hat into the crib room one morning. He told The Times,
“Snitches get stitches bro but he is a dog. All I’ll say is that he deserves every one of those toilet wall notes. Have you seen his fkn gut? Lazy prick”
It will be hard to get the spring out of Keith’s step that’s for sure.
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?