The back in the day enthusiast – a classic footy boomer that you’ll usually find on the other end of the line of a talkback footy radio show. The game is soft, the rules are wrong and any player rocking anything other than a short back & sides cut deserves a public flogging and 10 years military service. This was old mate last season: Mr Talkback.
The classique nuffie – despite spending most of their time arguing with Kane Cornes they desperately want to be him. A walking hot-take machine that vastly overestimates their grasp on the game. Even a brief chat with the classique nuffie will result in you wishing to never converse with them again.
A Victorian – this goes without saying. You should never engage with a Victorian on the subject of AFL. They have a deep, burning belief that they own the game and any non-Victorian feed should sit down and stfu. They cry every time a match is scheduled outside of Victoria.
Guy with an obvious gambling problem – fancy a casual chat about the game? Just wait for him to start rambling on about overs, unders, how wet it is and how he has been personally aggrieved by an individual athlete’s performance. Can only discuss the game in terms of odds. More on this guy HERE.
The fantasy footy addict – similarly, the fantasy footy addict is unable to discuss the game unless it’s a reference to his made-up team that he obsesses over each week. Their only grasp on a player’s quality is their little score at the end of the week. Wastes ¾ of their disposals? Who cares, he got 30 of em, he’s a living God.
The walking Excel spreadsheet – the spreadsheet doesn’t always use their powers for evil but when they do it can be a frustrating experience. Dare have an opinion? Well, they have got some stat to make you look like a fkn idiot. Will they do this publicly and ruthlessly? Yes, yes they will.
The bandwagoner – the bandwagoner is a success parasite that will work themselves into the fandom in the good times. People you didn’t even knew like footy are suddenly talking to you like they’d been with you all along on the front lines. They are quick to join but even quicker to disappear. Right Flagmantle?
The 5 seconds from a cardiac guy – there is passion and then is working yourself up for a 000 call every time you have a casual chat about the footy. This unit is hard to chat with but even worse to watch an actual game with. Unless you enjoy seeing spittle & furniture fly. More on this guy HERE.
The guy who is going to stalk an umpire – everyone knows a few of these animals. Even mentioning the weekend football will result in a blow by blow account of every umpiring decision that they thought was wrong. Their burning hate for authority is endearing but that glint in their eye is frightening. More on this chap HERE.
Sportsballer – you won’t make this mistake twice. Nothing like having your entertainment choices patronised by someone who has an entire bookcase full of unread books. You’re a boorish idiot who likes to watch a ball go up and down. How do you live with yourself?
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?