It’s a land of agony and ecstacy. All your wildest nightmares and dreams can come true in East Perth and only a short walk from the CBD! Yew!
1. Visit Heirisson Island to remember the ill-fated dusty Good Vibrations Festival
You simply must recreate the magic of one of the worst Good Vibrations Festival locations of all time. Whoever decided to turn a dust pit of an island into a rave had absolutely no respect for people’s shoes, clothes, or their desire to have a sit at some point in the day.
So do the right thing and bring down a little sound system. Drop some MD and flail around like an unco frog with two electrodes attached to its balls until your washing machine hates you.
“I remember that day well. My jaw was swinging like Tiger Wood’s 7 stiffy at the height of his lechery. I was covered head to toe in dirt and I was staggering up the Causeway trying not to get hit by cars. Good times. Good vibrations” – Testimonial from Charlie
2. The Yellow CAT
Strap yourself in for a ride that you won’t forget. They say the Yellow Cat is like a box of chocolates – if you’re not careful you’ll acquire a nasty brown stain. So have a sit and see what life throws at you.
To ensure the rest of your stay in East Perth is a pleasant one you are advised to avoid eye contact with anyone and be prepared to treat it as a real “hop on/hop off” kind of adventure ride. In short, sit close to the door, ay.
“Driver, back door Please! Now!” – Testimonial from Claire
3. East Perth Public Transport Centre
Gaze upon the brutalist architecture with awe. How something so ugly can be so beautiful remains a mystery. Pop your head inside to really understand what this thicc baby is working with.
After you’ve satisfied your architectural whims, wait for a train full of Kalgoorlie hicks to arrive and welcome them to the City. With any luck, one might even go ya. What an experience.
“I really wish every building in Perth looked like the East Perth Public Transport Centre. It has a real, what are you looking at, dog? Vibe. That’s the sorta energy I like to bring into my daily life, ya know?” -Testimonial from Robbo
4. Gaze upon the sculpture of ocular mystery
Everyone loves Magic Eye paintings (probably) so consider this a real-life one. Take a bag of shrooms and your favourite camping chair and set up shop for the afternoon.
Go hard on the dose so you can safely ignore the jeers of drivers laughing at you as you sit in the middle of the round-a-bout. They have no idea how close you are to unlocking the mysteries of the Impossible Triangle. They are just haters.
“Woah, it’s like we’re all trapped within it yet free. I think I need to leave the rat race and find my inner impossible triangle, man” – Testimonial from Jake
5. Join the Twiggy parade on the lesser Terrace
If you’re wearing some Chinos and R.M’s you could always join in. Clog up a coffee shop while you talk about big dick mining shit. If you go hard enough you may even forget you’re not actually on St Georges.
“Perth really needs a new rugby competition” – overheard from a member of the Twiggy parade
6. Peter Pan Statue in Queens Gardens
Visit the patron saint of people who just don’t want to grow up. You will find solace, not judgement in the Queens Gardens. Do as every other Peter Pancunt does and tell the statue about how you still go to Nightclubs in your 30s.
A visit to the statue will re-energise your batteries and give you even more confidence to go and waste the time of another 30 girls you matched on Tinder.
“Hell yeah, spent 45 minutes with Peter Pan and now I’m off to the Lookout to pick up chicks on a week day. Jelly?” – Testimonial from Todd
7. Get your wanker on – Perth’s Riviera
As part of Perth’s underdog syndrome, wankers seem to like to liken aspects of our city to more exotic locations. So why not do just that and swan around East Perth’s little Royal St area like you were at the French Riviera?
Chuck a jumper over your shoulders. Wear a scarf. Order an espresso and talk loudly with your partner about how it could never compare to the coffees you’ve had elsewhere in the world. It’s the perfect location to be an unbearable snob.
“This lady told me a coffee wasn’t up to scratch yet still pronounced it expresso. That’s Perth for you” – Testimonial from a barista
8. Visit the site of the ill-fated Ku De Ta – when Perth out Perth’d itself
Another site of cultural importance is where Ku De Ta once stood. Bringing a Balinese icon to Perth was the Perthest move that ever Perthed and imploded under the weight of the sheer Perth of it all.
Now there’s a different restaurant but if you close your eyes you can still imagine spending exorbitant prices for a slice of Bali on the pungent Swan River. Go on the right day and you’ll even get to see some river bogans yewing their way down. That’s even more like Bali.
“WTF were they thinking?” – Perth
Documenting the Human Zoo is thirsty work, so if you enjoyed what you read how about buying Belle a beer, ay?